Okee. This month I am going to lose like 20 pounds. No matter what.
Have everything I need measuring tapes. The motivation. Just I have to be alone again, I have been socializing alot lately so I have to totally cut that out. Nothing is more important than this. Weight, looks is everything. I cant BE LIKE THIS AGAIN. I know I'm just so emotional and upset right now but I cant handle everything like this again. ugh I need to get thin, I need to see my bones. I'm not living my life like this, Its not worth its. I can not fail. Im totally extremly depressed.

You know your fat when your dad says it. I'm going to need to get back into this all hard again. Today is moms birthday. I really don't want to go to dinner. This is like all whats going threw my mind right now. I don't have energy to work out either though. I don't know what to do, I need me meridia again. Then I think it will be ok, if not I will need a new plan. Like if I need to also throw up I will. Its all better when I'm thin, people like to just stress me out. Its like the whole world is coming down again. I hate this. I really really do.

Oh my gosh. You totally let yourself go fat ass. Thanks to Prozac. Ugh NEVER EVER GO ON THAT AGAIN!!! I'm sooooo depressed. I tried to not look at mirrors and I was just happy eating and having like a really good time. Then when I went off my Prozac it was like oh gosh. What were you thinking. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror.

I did spin class today for the 1st time, it was really fun but mirrors all around you! My fat was giggling, I wanted to cry but it made me go faster. I was in the advance, and I totally kept up. After that I went on the ski glider thingy, did a really hard work out with that and did 600 calories. After that I showered at the gym and the 1st time ever, I threw up in a shower that wasn't at my house. I was totally hoping I would throw up part of my lunch but unfortunately it was only water. I need to see my bones again, I need to be thin. I have to. There is no other.. It just needs to be done.

Just the bad thing is Halloween is near. I'm not going to be able to fit into my costume!! Since you know I just thought I was the way I have been forever. :( I have cried about this intensely. My world is just ending. Jeff wants to see me, but I have to focus on working out. I need to get this disgusting fat off my body. I can feel my roll just siting here. When I look in the mirror naked I can see my fat marks. This is going to sound really really messed up but I want to take a knife and just cut it all off. I know it wouldn't like go away... I know i would be taking a chunk of my body off but its like this need that I want to do.

I know if I keep on obsessing again like how I use to intensely I'm going to loose Jeff. I'm in love with him. He doesn't see the grossness but I sure do, and like how I use to look like, I'm so embarrassed to for him to see that. I'm just like in shock how I did this. Why didn't I stop?
This needs to happen soon. I need to get thin. I need to get perfect. Even at least by the Christmas party. I cant believe he even likes me with all this fat. I don't see how he could. And he is soooo attractive. He can and did get anyone. I know he will leave me if I don't do something. Ugh. Okee I'm extremely tired. I need to sleep

We will all stay skinny if we just don't eat.

He thinks in perfect. I'm far from it. I'm trying to just let it happen but I keep on pushing him away. I need to just relax about please. Take your pills right and try to keep eating but healthy.

I just keep on failing at this. I fail at everything.
I just don't know what the point is of everything.. Like as in for people falling in love? You are just going to get hurt, either cheating, 'falling out of love' or someone of you are going to die. It effects you greatly. Like with Yuri and my Roo, I don't think it was worth this pain. I would have rather not experienced it. I know that isn't right but really, if I keep on the same schedule in good. Work, workout, computer, try not to eat and then sleep. I get so upset when I miss a workout anyways, Its like the only thing that really matters. I wish I could just trade with someone, like a child in the hospital. Where they don't think its fair and they thought about everything they could do with their life. I don't have the self esteem or just satisfaction from myself. I just expect alot.

"'Good enough' may be good enough for other people, but it's never good enough for me."


like to feel anything. Like I I go that from someones blog. It's like totally exactly 120 percent of how I think. I really don't want to be mad, sad, not even like totally happy. I don't want to be happy and not have the happiness again. Ive already had that. Its depressing.

Some days I do go by with not even really remembering my full day. Its like it didn't happen, Its like I'm numb. I like that feeling alot. I try to get that everyday. Its better when I take the Prozac and merida.

I just want to be skinny. Perfect.

No do you know what would be the best thing? Ok I love to help people so if I got skinny, and really skinny and died young from this and it would show other people what happens and not to live their life like it would just be amazingly awesome and wonderful. I just don't like to feel sick, but I would rather be sick and skinny then fat and healthy.

I like to be alone. I per fer it.

Darryl's little sister died. It was shocking. She wasn't wearing her seat belt in the car with 3 others. She was the only one that died. I'm so sad for him. His only sister. Although I like when these sort or things happen... Like isn't the right word but like it just makes you appreciate everyone around alot more, and really puts whats important out there.

I'm still working on this weight. I'm trying to be ok with how ever I am. If I'm a little over, just right or well I will never be as thin.. since that involved throwing up every meal, working out constantly and just barley eating. I need to be ok with how I am. I need to enjoy the food I'm eating. You shouldn't live your life worrying. Enjoy who you are, who your with, and what you have. Like I'm so lucky! I could have no hearing, no sight, no legs, the list goes on. I'm pretty lucky, and I just abuse my body. I need to be with the people who enjoy me and just like me for me, not how I look. The ones who will be there it doesn't matter too. Like the family. If I married someone and got into a fire, would they just leave me since I had mt face like burnt off? Yeaah I know what I need to do but its just hard to follow threw with it, but I need to do this before its too late, before I really start regretting it. I need to be healthy and live my life. No live live around the gym, do the things I want to do. Oh gosh I have a thing on god too, This is only what I think though ok.

Ok everyone needs to do something for someone else or to impress someone. People cant just do things for themselves. We all need to try to impress or show someone something. So. That's where god comes in, they made this god up to be better for themselves but really do it for someone else. Like oh I need to be a good for god, If I live a good live I will go to heaven, everyone needs to get something out of it. I think I explained that good but so sorry if I didn't. What makes me thought of this is my friend Jeff is trying to get clean with his drugs and cut down on his drinking, he said he was going to do it for me so we can hang out more. Well, I told him I don't want you do just do it for me, I want you to do it for yourself as well. I once did stuff for someone and changed who I was for someone else. And it wasn't worth it. But he told me that he didn't care about himself that much to do it, he even told me that it sounded bad, but I think that's why people created such a thing and its so easy to believe. Sorry if I upset anyone with this but this is totally my thoughts. I'm not saying there is, or there isn't a god. Everyone believes in something different. I know I can do things for myself and I do it for me. I'm also there for when people need to me though so don't think I'm just all self centred and such, But like if I don't want to do something because I don't want to such as drink, drugs, anything like that I wont. I'm a strong enough person that I know I'm alright on my own and I don't need to do that to my body. Totally sounds stuck up hey? Haha oh well that's just me though. I don't really care what people think or say, what ever I do I do it for myself or the ones that are very close to me.
Thanks so much for reading, Its never too late to change.

I was in Safeway today doing my usual "oh I'm going to get something healthy, like a stir fry or chicken breast' But just ended up getting popcorn and soup. I seen this couple, the women was bigger, and bigger than the man, she had no make-up and wore not so lovely looking clothes on herself. I'm not saying that I am the most fashionable person ever, always wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt but I also do not wear them tight. The man like had all his attention on her, he look at her when she spoke, smiled, and even would put his hand on her back to guide her threw. How is that possible? For someone to love someone like that? I'm not shallow at all. Ok. I know this sounds totally shallow, but like how could he not cheat with everything else out there. Like he wasn't too looking. I know personalities matter sooo much! Like with guys. I'm only attracted to them when I get to know them. I don't really have the type of dark hair.. built.. etc. But like for a guy to be like that??? I'm amazed, I felt jealous, I envied that women. To just be yourself enjoy your food, and have someone actually just like you for that? I think only a small amount of people find that. I'm like 95 percent sure I'm not going to find it. Since I care too much about my appearance. I wished I did like myself. Like I do have strong believes and personality, I don't give in to peer pressure and I want to be skin and bone for myself. Everyone has told me I looked awful being like that but I want it for me. So I think if your totally 110 percent ok with yourself, you can find someone who could like you. I would like to just smack some sense into me. Its simple but its not. Its everything to me.

I'm trying to really eat good. Like normal. Lunch is the only thing I do everyday for sure. I need to be ok with myself. Just everything is about weight and how I feel about myself, well more like how I would rate myself.. if that makes sense.

Its different everyday. Sometimes I be like ok I'm eating and I'm fine, going to get healthy and other its like I could stay in my room forever and cry. I cut down the Prozacs alot, and are taking the merida. Its not a good combination they said but, they said it would be dangerous having me also throwing up. I'm not too worried. Whatever happens, happens.


Looks are just a bounce. Personality is all what matters. I always try to remember that.
Be the best I can be. Be happy and feel lucky. Help others that have less than I do. Just be a good person and not worry toooo much about the looks.

Best text I think I have ever sent.

She Doesn't matter. You don't need people like that in your life. No one is the same. Everyone rates what they think is 'good' in so many different ways. Everyone makes mistakes and as long as we learn something from it, it builds character. It doesn't matter what you did or what you are. It matters that you are being the person you want to be for yourself.

I'm picky with boys. But I guess its a good thing, but then everyone has flaws,

Anyways Manda, you are so fat, its to gross to see you in your shorts walking into the gym. I try not to look but the mirror is just right there. Now since you are on your own, just focus on getting the weight off. Yeah? No one can tell you to eat or not eat, there wouldn't be any pressure to not eat or to eat. You can totally have all that time to work out. Wouldn't that be lovely? I know you have been trying to eat good and workout but, miss whale, you need to stop it. You seen the scale. Prozac and Meridia = best mix ever. Sure it has dangers but then being over weight is also, and you are not happy being big. We want to see bones!! It just looked amazing, when everyone was telling you, you were 'too thin' and 'didn't look good' they were all just jealous. Just watch the pounding heart with the pills, try not to take more than 4 Prozacs a day. I know you took 7 today. Although you did need it! It was your birthday! And it was lovely.

You know you need to do this. Look how when you were at the gym every single show was about loosing weight. The one with the surgery's, on The Doctors, then degrassi when Emma was bulimic. Also, everything happens for a reason and going to mom's obesity thing was to make sure I was never like that again.


Ugh I miss talking to Devin

I did 1450 calories at the gym or cardio, and then like 45 minutes to an hour with weight lifting. I now do switch my weights up all the time. I need sleep thought :) <3

Ok. I'm getting back to normal! I know, its amazing.
I'm not going out as much anymore and not eating so much. So its all good.

So I seen some eating disorder videos, well the commercials right.. And they don't look too different to me than the people in my magazines. Like oxygen, women's health and such.

Ive tried to avoid mirrors more than usually lately, but when I seen how big I got, I don't want to look in another until I'm back to normal again. Ugh I was so skinny. It was perfection, almost. I would totally do anything to get that back.

There's alot of stress about everything at this moment. It's helping me not eat though. Also with that the Prozac. Amazing.

Yes, I think I'm supposed to just live life alone. Its ok though. Its better that way. I think some people are just supposed to be alone.

Money Money Money.

Its all what life and everything we do is about. Its really disappointing and depressing. I knew how people were, but then you meet a few people that you think are really different, but that are no. You get snapped back into reality

Each day gets harder, full of stress and I just don't know people can be happy

oh well

<3manda

First of all, I'm a whale. Ugh. I'm so much better when I'm skinny. I feel better about myself, and look so much better. Its beyond disgusting. So I'm going to do everything that I can to make it happen asap. Oh good thing that honestly does work, vinegar. I have shots threw out the day and it suppresses your appetite and can eat away at your food, causing you to be thin! Is it healthy? Haha is there anything I do healthy?

I just feel so lost. Out of place. If I did 'leave' the only person it would greatly effect is my mom, and I love her so much. Although, people do get over people. I like per fer to be alone, this is going to sound depressing.. But like, no one can hurt me when I'm by myself. They cant get sick of me, want to change me, dislike anything about me, and cheat on me. No one can be satisfied forever. There's always going to be better or just 'need a change' also, its just all what I know. Dad cheats, every guy that Jodi and myself has cheated.

I would like to just get a job that I love, work out, watch movies and sleep. Not really a life though hey? I should feel lucky to have things I have and just everything! I would trade it for someone though, like a child in the hospital dying, I would like them I live their live and enjoy it and rather have me there.

It would be nice to enjoy myself, eat anything and not worry about it, or as much. Feel good about myself, like think I'm attractive. Just to let loose and he happy. I would like for someone to think I'm perfect just the way I am and just see me the same always. That's my dream world, its never going to happen.

I'm just really confused of what to do, and just what I'm doing. Oh yeah, I also have to lend mom and dad money, quite a bit, I gave them $1000 before, I wont get it back. I gave my two weeks on top of it, I'm just like mess.

Ok blog. Today wasn't too good. I took too much medicine today. It wasn't too much fun, I don't remember the morning, I just slept the afternoon. It was worse than fainting, this feeling. My chest hurt. I don't really remember my morning. I came home at lunch and I just kept on throwing up. I stayed home in the afternoon, everything was like surreal. I thought I was just going to pass out and every single step I took it felt like I was going to vomit. Shaking like crazy, having twitches. My head extremely hurts! I need to see the good doctor, Dr. Algu. Hes really good.
It hurt so bad when I was vomiting, since I didn't have anything in my stomach. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just feel so stressed. That's when I really take them.

I asked Devin if I could come out there again. I feel bad asking. I think maybe I shouldn't have. If someone asked it would be hard to say no... I really want to see him again though.

I feel really alone.

When I would read books and when people said "It wouldn't matter how many people are around you still feel alone" I never understood that but now I do.

Ive been wildly crazy running. This weekend I ran 2.5 hours Friday, 2 hours Saturday and today another 2.5. I know I'm amazing. Want more good news? Ohhhh I know you do! The lovely wonderful watch Devin got me use to do up on the 3rd notch and now I'm at the 2nd! But that's just wrists, haven't been losing anymore weight anywhere else. He makes me very happy. I just totally smile every time I talk to him. That's never happened before. He is also really easy to talk to, comfortable and comforting. Anyways not to bore you with that!

Damage for today

-popcorn.
-Green Beans
-Special k

Not tooo bad! Would you believe me if I told you I was really sore! I want to take tomorrow off from it but I cant. Well unless I have plans, but then even when I don't, I feel bad! I want to see Bruno soooo badly, Perhaps I will roll there tomorrow and see it! I'm so sleepy, I hope my blanket is dry, Ugggh I totally love things coming straight from the dryer!! Its like one
of my favorite feeling and smell! Hehe alrighty thanks so much for reading.

Hey blog. Its not a very lovely day. I feel really sad. I'm lonely and miss my Roo. Its tempting to take all my Prozac. Very tempting. Ive been so tired lately. I'm not sure why. I want to be happy. I really really do. I think I do need to take all my Prozac to perk me up. If it didn't, I wouldn't be any worse than what I am right now.

I need to run. Ive gained soo much weight.
I ran yesterday for 2 hours and 8 minutes. I should be doing more. I could do more.

I know I sound crazy. I would change it if I could.

I love you and miss you Russy baby <3

I'm so tired. Sorry this will be short.
I ran this morning in the rain... it was way better than what I thought it was going to be!!

Food intake? AMAZING! An orange and I'm just making some air popped corn. I'm just super.

We went to whyte ave today, went to this Korean pizza place. It was really cool! "I 'already ate." The man there is soooo funny! He told me I had big eyes, 4 times the size of his hahaha I really enjoyed that!

I must go to bed, I'm sooooo tired!

I did really good today.
-couple bites of toast.
-Veggie cup from 7 eleven.. you know with the broccoli, celery, but I don't eat the carrots, its full of sugar, and sugar turns into fat and that's what I don't need...
-Special K

:)

That dog bit me again today. I really dislike him now. I don't know why animals reject me!

I didn't do a work out today, I was sore from yesterday, and didn't want to pull that thing in my foot, and I did alot at work today. I beat everyone by 300 lines. I know I'm amazing. Ha ha

Well I don't really have that much else.. Thanks for reading!

I applied or... inquired about a job in Kelowna today. Im really excitied and nervouse, it would be perfect!

I also ran my furthest today!! 19.5 miles. It took me almost 3 hours, but it was amazing, I feel really good about it!

This morning I ate alot.
Popcorn, an orange and special K. Ugh Its sooooo good!
However. We had an accident with that.
Then after my run I had a bowl of soup.

I have a problem with my Prozac... I don't really wan to tell anyone because they will take it away!! I went threw 90 tablets in 9 days. I know. Ugh. But its making me really happy! I don't see what the negative is about it!

Honestly I'm expecting to die from this. I know how sick I was when I was 90 pounds, but it seems worth it to me. Your heart can go too from throwing up and working out too much. Which I totally do both. I know this sounds sick but if I did die from this I think it would be alright. Its my obsession. Something that Ive had for years. I'm scared to get old. I need to love myself and that's how I will love myself is being that small. So I don't really even want help for this. I don't even have a purpose here. I'm just here.

ok! i think I depressed everyone enough, so sorry, Its just really what goes in my head. Thanks so much for reading!

Ok. Woke up. Went got my hair done, It looks totally amazing!!! I'm sooo happy with it. I just have this pimple thing on my forehead that I really dislike, mom says you cant see it but I know you can. And just need to loose like 10-15 pounds and I would be perfect!
Popcorn
2 Oranges
blow of Soup
...and we had special k and had an accident with that. But really when you throw up you loose more weight than not eating. I don't know how or why but yes. Its wild.

I'm feeling more happier again. Ive been talking to Devin again, Ive been crazy busy lately and haven't had much time, and plus I don't ever want to like bother him with texting.. I really hope your not reading this.

He is amazing though. He makes me feel good. Like this is odd. When I was with him I didn't really care about the calories and exercise.. I was still pretty healthy though. Other people make me feel bad. And talking to him again makes me just want to be healthy and not concern more with wight. He is just fantastic. Who ever ends up with him really hit the jack pot there! I don't want to mess him up so I'm hoping its not me and but I am since he just makes me comfortable like with everything. He doesn't judge, he listens, gives awesome advice, hes SO funny to when he opens up. He just makes me smile. Hes like everything a girl wants. I know it sounds too good to be true.. it still feels that way. Haha. Created the perfect male.

I was going to see public enemy tonight but it was all sold out. My brother said it was slow and wasn't that good. We have totally different tastes in well pretty much everything so I'm thinking I will like it.

I also bought vodka today. I was really planning on drinking it. I was even going to open it up right there and then and just had a 'swig' of it! I know its pretty weird to have that feeling. Then also in my head its like for one shot its 100 calories, I could have something else for that much!! I think 100 is alot, I don't dare to eat anything over 120. Ugh if I ever weighed 120.. I don't know what I would do!!

Ohhh they just change my church sign yesterday! It was 'The purpose of life, is a like of purpose" That really upset me since I don't have a purpose!! It just totally depressed me when I seen it. Ive been trying to find one ever since. I will let you know when I find one. The new sign is "From our weakness, we can get strength." How does that translate in my head? Well eating would be mine right? So me not eating I'm showing my strength. Yes? Haha I know. Its funny but then its not.

I had some quality time with my brother today, It was pretty enjoyable. Usually hes just always complaining or yelling. We haven't hung out forever. I'm looking forward to do it again!

Ok well I think I have bored enough people by now. Thanks for reading!

You know you have a problem if you need to go running at like 10:30

Morning-run
Work
Lunch-Soup.. 100 calories
Back to work
Gym
Movie-orange 70 calories
Run.

haha yeah.. I cant help it.

Ohh that movie! SOOO CUTE! I loved it! It makes me happy.

I get my hair done tomorrow, I'm really excited about that. I don't like my imperfections.
I know I worry about things that really shouldn't matter but I don't know how to stop.

I ate over at a friends house the other day, and he told me I like ate too much. Hes being really hard on my about my weight. Like from 90 pounds to 107. That is a lot. I hate it but then I like it. It motivates me. oh and I didn't even take that much at all. I like had not even half my plate full. I feel bad about it. I feel sooo good on my Prozac. They don't want me to take more than 30mg. I take at least 80mg. This sounds so bad but I honestly don't even know how much I take in a day. I just pop them. I have noticed that my heart rate is going down. Getting less obese maybe? Well no I'm concerned but then I'm not, because look at Michael Jackson.. He like totally overdosed. I'm not too worried about it though, If it happens it happens. I would rather be like how I am than totally miserable and extremely over weight. I started running in the mornings too. My mom asked me why I was running then too. I didn't answer but in my head it was like "Because look at me! This is gross! Obese!"

Special k, totally easy to throw up and its sooo good! I wake up early to go for my run, only went for an hour though. Then went straight into the shower and threw up. Its so addicting its like ok just one more dosage of it coming up and its like ok one more! I don't like fainting from it though and it really does make me feel good after. Ugh. Prozac was supposed to help me. But its like increasing this. It doesn't make me hungry and I get happy and have energy. I feel like I can do anything, But it dosent make you high.. Noooo just super duper happy!

I stayed in tonight to watch Confessions of a shopaholic. I didn't know if I wanted to see it or not, but now I really do, I hope its really good. Haha I have high expectation's. I have everything bad, High expectation's, perfectionism.. ugh. ok movie time! I will update after! Thanks for reading

Its been a while! Soo sorry! Ok. Update! I miss my Roo soooooo much its crazy! The knew dog skip, already bit me, and doesn't like me. I still hate being at work. They are just so rude. The weight?... well I'm down to 107. I'm just disgusting. Prozac doesn't make you hungry though. I don't even know how many I take in a day. No hunger, makes me happy, gives me energy. I don't see any down side to it. Well you can over dose, but I'm not too worried. Ive been insanely tired. but Its good, I don't have the energy to eat! But then I cant work out as long. Its all complicated. Yeah, I will totally write more tomorrow though! Thanks for stopping by

I feel so lost.

I miss him so much. Its really strange not having him here.

The boy confused me. I thought he liked me and wanted more. I was wrong. He wants like nothing to do with me. I feel really stupid since I liked him alot. Its my own fault.

My Reeky Roo died. He was like the best thing ever. He was there for me when I was having my hard time. I'm really concerned about my mom. When she would try to kill herself, she would say it wouldn't do it because of Roo. I need to be there for her. But think how hard its going to be when one of my family dies. He was one of my family though. He was so important. He was old though, at least it was like natural. I just feel sick to my stomach. I want to take her out for lunch, since she likes it. I don't want to eat though. Yeah that's it for now gang.

I'm really upset about my dog. I don't like to be attached to things. Its all part of life, I know, but if you can avoid pain?

I spoke to Peter about the Prozac, He is the lovely pharmacist. He told me to lower my dosage, and if that doesn't work, defiantly try something else. I don't want to go back and see the U of A women. If done pretty good with my eating.

I love summer time, I wish it was summer all the time! I love how the sky is blue and the grass is green, I like to go by the lake because its like perfect. With the colours, the pelicans! Hahah I get excited when I see them! I don't like birds at all but they are far away and really cool! I really want to see a swan. AND A RACCOON!!! hahaha oh my. Today I took my Prozac before work right, I take it in the morning and at lunch. I yelled at my mom to stop the car because I thought I seen a raccoon! It was a cat! I'm sooo funny sometimes. Hahahaha. I really want some sex. Really really want it.

I push people away. I don't really do it on purpose. I need to stop doing it. I think that's why Kelowna just appeals to me so much. No one will know me there and I will just be alone. I prefer being alone and doing things myself but I really know like everyone here. I'm not a good liar so when I attempt to say I'm busy or I have something else, they know when I'm lying. Even when I say I already ate people just smile and don't really want to say anything, few have said something or I will just give in.

Me and my ex would go and eat like all the time. I hated it. I just got to the point of throwing it up after. He didn't like it. Since you can tell when this one throws up! My eyes get blood shot and really really weak, I pretty much need to sleep right after I do it. We would go for late dinners.


Like moving away from the family, its good but bad on the part of me being alone. Like they are getting old. I know this sounds so bad. But soon they will die, most likely Mom sooner than Dad. Since she has like everything you can possibly think of! But then I wouldn't be as upset. That's really bad of me. Even to think it.

My dog is dying. He keeps throwing up, cant move. I think we have to put him down. I don't even not even remember not having him.. Its going to be really hard. And gosh.

My feet hurt sooo bad! I pulled that tenant. Greg told me more information about history about it. Hes lovely. I will miss him when I move. I think I will miss him more than my dad. That's pretty sad and weird at the same time hey?

I feel bad for not running. I have mixed feelings about it, its good that I don't want to hurt me more, but I need to get cardio in. My calories out.

Wipe out, the T.V show I had to run off to last night... Soooo funny!! haha It was a hoot! I need to watch it next time its on! I'm not one for T.V but that's just awesome.

I need to get my Transcript and send it to the school. I also need to get a second job, I'm worried I wont have enough money. I just feel the pressure right now but its because I want to do it.

Rusty, Calories, Weight, School, Money. Its all what I'm like thinking about right now. Not in that order though. I don't know.

Ok blog. Its going to be a long one.... I hurt my ankle. I didnt go for my run yesterday. I went today. I was impressed. It look me a while, since the foot was hurting. I just love to run. This guy asked me while I was running why I was running, the first thing that came to my head that I held back from sayiung was ' because Im a fat whale' or a pig could of worked too, but instead it was 'I love to run" which I really do though, and being outside :) <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">uncontrolable just, emotion. A way to put it is super outgoing maybe? I dont enjoy it too much. But I am really funny.

So I need to really save money for when I move. So I need to get another job. Unforfantly, the Mexicans have moved here. So there isnt any jobs, P said I should totally get a job at a bar, I would make alot of money. I don't really see what is attractive about me. Like just comments people make, I would say I'm like a five on a scale of one to ten. Maybe a 5.5.

I keep thinking of this part in my book that when she left so beautiful in this blue dress with long blond hair. I totally know that feeling, where its like your clothes are falling off, and you can see your hip bone. I'm not that skinny anymore. Trust me. Ive gained weight, Darn bread. Today I had two apples for breakfast, then I walked over to Booster Juice for a chicken pani, I was really debating to get a Booster Juice.. I LOVE BOOSTER JUICE. So much. But its like at least 400 calories. So I got the pani and a shot of wheat grass. Its so good although, there wasn't any nutruial information for it. Like the Matcha stuff, has sooo many fat and calories. But its good for it. Its like almonds. Hehe. I totally asked for no cheese on my pani but they came pre-made. I like stopped and stared at her thinking if I should even eat it. I don't like cheese. And its really not at good for you. Cheese and chocolate isn't my thing at all. Now give me candy.. oh man. Anyways! Then I had celery, and for dinner, Mushrooms and apples. I know I know I know, Its not that much and itsnt the best for me, I really have a hard time eating, It helps to eat with others however, I feel bad, and I prefer to eat alone.

I need to do something meaningful with my life. One day I would like to start a charity or organization for something. I totally DO NOT want children, so lets not even think of that for meaning. I always read the church sign right, and they will not change this one its been there for months and I just hate it!! "Purpose of life, is life of purpose" something like that and I don't have a purpose. My parents want me to watch a show right now. I will probably write more later. Thanks for reading.

So Ive been super sad lately. Well no that's sort of a lie, Ive been really up and down lately. I will be sooo happy then I'm like... well how I am right now. I think its because I'm gaining weight. Its really disgusting. I'm not really happy with anything in my life either. I was thinking about what makes people happy. Does anything really make one really happy? Or is it just pretend.

Ive been in receiving these past two days. I love Greg. He told me stop being so hard on myself because I he was leaving and I was like can I get this all done, or should I be able to? He told me if I didn't don't worry about it. I just told him if I'm going to do something I need to do it right, and good. He told me he wouldn't be upset if there's stuff left over. Jokingly.. But I told him I would be disappointed in myself. He told me I expect to much from myself. I'm still pondering about that.


The sort of things people have told me lately Ive really been thinking about. My brother, that boy, Greg, Dem, Pandher, Brandon. I want to be happy. There's so many things I would do over again. You cant just live on regret or live in the past, but I think my life would be so much different. I need to start changing things. This is a really depressing one. Sorry. There's just no point.

Today wasn't too good. But its over now.

I just cant seem to finish my book, Saturday was supposed to be my day where I was going to sit out in the sun and read my book. But it didn't roll out that way. I'm getting to the point where shes going to get fixed. I think that's why I'm just having a hard time with it.

So 9 miles on Saturday and 14 yesterday. I'm pretty happy with it, But now when I run I'm always going to want to do the 14. I'm sick that way.

I'm sooo excited to move. Ugh, I started packing. Ha ha well.. tried. I have a lot of stuff that I really don't need. So when I was 'packing it' I just was like, I sure don't need all this, it would take up alot of room, so I spoke with my mom about it and she said I can leave whatever I want here, I'm hopes that I will just move back. I want to prove to everyone I can do this, everyone will think I will fail.

I keep on eating bread. I really want to stop it. Its just like clinging onto me and Ive gained
weight, Everyone thinks I look so much better. Ugh. I don't know.



Yes I'm just an asshole with that boy, I really really feel bad. I wish I could re-do it all. I got him so upset. I really hated it. He says he isn't mad or upset or anything, I'm pretty happy about it but really embarrassed and I'm upset that I acted like that. But you do live and learn right? I think I share too much with him though. He doesn't want to share things with me. So yeah. You know where I'm getting at. Haha. I don't know I'm just going to do my school and go with the flow. I totally don't use roll now since he said he didn't like it haha BUT ITS SOO FUNNY!! I'm pretty funny. Oh yes tons of fun. I totally took Prozac not long ago. I don't know if I should or can stop it. Oh dear.

I'm going to stop taking the Prozac. Its not helping. And it just makes me really weird, its like I cant control myself.. and with my sleeping.. haha yea we don't even do that anymore. So its just the right thing to do. I'm just an asshole. ugh. Get people upset and just mess everything.

I found a better course to take, Office Assistant certificate. Its September to January. From there you can take other cour es or just get a pretty decent job, like for my thinking at least.

14 miles yesterday, I'm amazing, then 9 on Saturday. I love to run! Its just the best escape ever. Also, its been just really nice out, I love it, I need the sun. Yeah I dont know that's really it. Sorry.

Alright. I'm going to move to Kelowna. It's going to be perfect.
1. I can get better there.
2. I can be on my own.
3. It will help out my whole family.
4. I need the sun, winter is a very hard time for me, and its mostly nice there all the time.
5. Its like the most perfect place in the world.
6. I need a change in my life.
7. I need to experience things in my life.
8. I Can just be healthy there.

I wanted ten things! Hahaha But I cant think of other ones right now.

I'm so fat. I'm just this whale. Ive had bread, apples, popcorn, green beans, and watermelon. I'm gaining weight from the watermelon. Oh! I also had this thing from green giant; 60 calories, 1.5 fat. I was totally eating it yesterday and I crunched on something so I just thought it was salt. But then it really was hurting. I think it was plastic or glass. So I threw it out. It was really good though.

So I went to the gym today, did 900 calories and my abs, legs and bum. Then I walked home, which on my watch said it was like only 100 calories, then I just went for a run. Which my watch also said it was 200. I was also crazy at work today, doing picking orders.

When I went for my run, I was like going to faint. I think. Or just felt highish? Yeah it wasn't to lovely. I did slow it down but imagine just fainting! Then if I would hit my head on something. Ugh it wouldn't be good.

Ive been taking two Prozacs. I really really like them, they make me feel really good. I think I will always have this obsession with food. I really would love to be a personal trainer. It would be awesome, I might look more into it!

Ok. I'm really having some mixed feelings here about the weight gain, food intake. I worked so hard to get to where I am, well was, Since I gained weight. Eating doesn't make me happy what so ever. I feel really bad. But then my boy I enjoy, told me he was so happy that I was eating. And it makes me happy since hes happy, and I want to also show him that I can do it, and when I do move down there I want to eat with him and not gain weight or alot of it. But like this is what I see close to perfection, and if I'm happy with it? Ugh I'm just so confused! I think its so gross having this extra... I'm reading this book right now "Dairy of an exercise addict" it;s so good. I can relate to her so much. Like with the eating, how you start and you feel like you cant stop, and how you get all these feelings. How she thinks she looks better being thin, and how people don't think she does. I think some people can just not be food people. Its not like I want to live a long live. I would really be happy parting at 30. I have a fear of getting old, I have alot of fears. Getting old, getting fat, not having a purpose, not having an effect in someone live as in love.
I just wish I could get anything and not gain weight. I could do that, eat and just throw it up, but then I get sick. I just don't know what to do.

I went for a run today, Ten minutes off my time from last time. This obesity thing for children was on the TV it made me so uncomfortable I just needed to get it. My dad stresses me out. Then I went to the gym at 5:30-8. I did ten thousand calories there. Plus weights. It was crazy.

It snowed today and I hate being cold! I want it to go away! But there's going to be more.

The heart is the place where we live our passions. It is frail and easily broken, but wonderfully resilient. There is no point in trying to deceive the heart. It depends upon our honesty for its survival. - Leo Buscaglia (Born For Love)



That really made me think, and it is true, so I will try not to be all into the getting hurt when liking someone thing. He's just really amazing.

I went and seen my Angels and Demons with my ex lover! Hahah Ex lover. I totally have no feelings for him, He is seeing someone and it's like good! I just think its pretty weird that I don't have feelings for him on the account that I was dating him for 4 years. It's good though, because he can just be a good friend knowing everything Ive been going threw and such.

I went got another run outside, I usually just do my cardio at the gym. Since my knee is all messed up. But its been pretty good from the running outside, I run for an hour and forty-five minutes. I only slow down for a power walk twice. Its good though because the run that I'm doing in June here, for cancer. I'm excited to be doing that. I love my watch, and how much calories I did! :)

Food for today was:
Baked apples with cinnamon.
An orange.
Air popcorn.
Then some more baked apples.

It doesn't look like a lot now.. but while in taking it, it sure does.
Its really see how its just all I think about, and it doesn't matter!! But it does so much. The silly thing too every time I see a dietitian, they are like over weight.. Why would you take advice from someone over weight? But in all seriousness. I would rather die than to gain weight. I would rather die early than gain weight. It matters in this world with looks but then with people you are close with it doesn't matter. Its just all messed up in here!! :(

My Prozac does make me sleepy! Haha So for now on, I'm only take it at night! Its only made me happier though. Well I shouldn't say that, Its a really really good thing, Since I had like an 'intervention' at work a few days ago about how I have changed and how they think I need help with my eating. I don't talk about it with people but I guess from me looking 'too thin' So I think the mood thing will maybe help them out better. I really cant eat meals, or high calorie good, Even 50 is like oh dear. But I think once I move away it will be better. It will be better for everyone.

So the Prozac is amazing. I think I'm addicted to them, I think I just get easily addicted to things, and those just make me feel good. I took one in the morning yesterday, although, I threw up in the morning and the whole day I was deadly tired. I felt like going upstairs at work and just going to sleep. I took one a little while ago and I'm not feeling the tiredness like yesterday, I always have like this tiredness. So for any of you that are taking it, keep in mind don't throw up in the morning. I threw up at night and had one the other day and I had like the best sleep ever. It was a lovely dream too. But like I don't think I can actually ever eat normal again, I just cant. I have gained some weight from eating the bread. I love bread. Once I start its so hard to stop. Ugh, I'm just not buying it anymore.

I'm having some mixed feelings about the boy. I don't know if I want to feel that way for someone. Like getting hurt is the worst feeling ever. And I don't know if I want to put myself in that position again. I know I will just get hurt and he can do so much better than I anyways. Its really just a hard thing.

I'm not the smartest, I'm not the prettiest, so as long as I'm thin it feels like I have something.

Star trek was amazing. And I'm going to see Angels and Demons tonight! Ive been waiting for this movie forever!! I'm so excited!!! I wanted to see it yesterday but it wouldn't have worked for everyone.

So I went to my Kelowna again and seen that lovely boy! :)
I was so happy over there. I had such a blast! It was just amazing and it was so pretty and I just need to move there. <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Kelowna... Its sort of really super messed up.

Ive been sooo tired lately. Haven't been going to the gym!!! I'm not feeling too good about that. I need the gym. I just don't know how to get energy. I know what your thinking eat more, since you know calories= energy. But even when I do consume decent amounts of food it doesn't do anything for me. So then its like why even intake them and have the extra intake of calories that I cant burn leading to weight gain? But I am going to cut down the gym, or even working out. My gym is $75.00 a month and I could save that for my schooling and moving away.

I think that's like everything I have. I'm really not that exciting what so ever.

Well. Someone can't keep up with their blog. Why even have one if you cant keep up. Ugh. Sorry.
Ive been not to good lately. Ive been sleeping soo much its sick. Ive been soo tired. I know what your thinking 'my eating' But it sure isn't. Ive gone like weeks without eating anything. And even doing more exercise. I didn't go to work today. I mentally just cant take it. I don't know whats wrong with those people. I'm just there to work. You know since I'm the supervisor, I have to deal with everything, and I cant do anything right. Its really hard and frustrating. I put my skinny jeans on this morning. It looks like I'm pregnant. Its really disgusting. I even actually feel like I'm going to throw up this very minute. I had some of my homemade soup this morning, and ever since Ive been eating it Ive been throwing it up on the account that I take birth control and just last month I got my period. So that does that mean when you get you period that you haven't gotten for more than a year! Your overweight. Well overweight in my world. To myself. I'm sure other people that are thin get their period. But its like failing to me. I just want to cry, scream, die. Being fat is just the worst feeling in the world. Its like failing, being rejected! I don't understand how some people just don't care!!! Or how people don't think of calories every single time they put something in their mouth! I have to stop throwing up though. My birth control might not work as good, so meaning that I could get my period. I started with coffee. I sure never drank it before because my sense of smell heightens when I don't eat. Caffeine and smoking, those smells can literally not kidding, can make me throw up right then and there. But I'm tyring it since, it can suppress your appetite and it has very few calories in it, well if you make it. When I went to BC, my lovely boy I enjoy loved french vanilla coffee, so I got one too. I sure didn't know the calories in there but I was thinking it was about 150. When I got home I went on caloriecount.com very good site. And its 250 calories. For a drink!!! I would totally eat like a sandwich for that! Lets just think about this. How the world is trying to make you fat. Ok so, you go to Tim Horton's for lunch. You get a coffee and a sandwich. Pretty much anything you get out is going to be 300 calories. Weather its Dairy Queen, Mc Donald's, even Subway. So if your going to eat out it might as well be something that your super going to like rather than getting something a 'little healthier' anyways! I'm so sorry I always go off everywhere. You get a drink, sandwich, then lets say a donut or a date for dessert. Coffee-250 Sandwich-300 Dessert-200. That's a whooping 750 calories right there!! That is like pretty much half of what your normal intake for the day is just going to Tim Horten's for lunch! Never mind the amount of fat, sugar and carbs. Ugh. Its stressful.

Ok so that's just with my food. I also have to really find what I'm going to do with my life. I cant be at Patterson Dental my whole life, sure its good pay, but I'm really really not happy there and I get so tired that I cant even have life outside of it. Plus I just put everything I can into it. I know that's good and bad. Work should be left at work. But really if I'm going to do something, I'm going to try my best at or don't even do it. Failing seems to be a really big thing with me hey? Thank you blog for letting me know that. Haha, Oh dear I'm crazy.

way, Or I get like caring but then I can be over to much caring where its like That's totally why I don't want a relationship. They would leave me because I'm not the best. And don't say no because everyone that I have like ever known has cheated. There's so much more better than me. Everything. Like ok. Lets 1st start with the personality. I have like, well. I'm not the best explainer. But I have like OCD. I need a routine. I need things to be a certainanxiety. No one likes that. Then I'm not the smartest. There for I wont ever have a decent really good job. Ok so the upside of that is men like to make more money than women. But then everything thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Ok. So then drinking. I'm not for it. Its stupid. 1. It kills brain cells. 2. Brings your immune system down. 3. Causes wrinkles. 4. Makes you gain weight on the account there is alot of sugar or if you drink beer, carbs turn into sugar. 4. Both my uncles were killed from drinking. 5. So many people regret things they did while drinking. I think if you cant have a good time without it then yeah, you get what I'm saying. Alright. So there's that, I'm not wild, People try to like hide drinking from me or things they think I wont approve of. You know what though, that sort of makes me feel good that someone would care about what I would think but then not so good that they think they need to hide it from me. Then there's the looks. I'm not the prettiest. The tallest, the thinnest, the cutest. I really have like no good physical features about me. My belly, my legs, you would not imagine what they look like, from all my working out its crazy what I look like and its not fair! I could and have cried over this, I'm not being dramatic but for those who knows the feeling you understand. I need make up. Sure it might look like I wear alot but you know the saying, the person who wears the most, needs it the most. Like the only good quality about me is that I'm ok. Or that when I'm there for someone, I'm completely there.

I know being thin or to the point where I think I look perfect isn't going to fix everything. But at least I would be satisfied with how I look and perhaps then someone could also be too. Weight and looks is everything in this world. I pretty much always has been. No matter how much we w would like for it not to be. Its going to be there. Even If your celebrating your 30th anniversary with your lover. Hes going to be looking at that person 30 years younger than him.

Ohh Here is my soup if your wondering. My dad was telling my mom that I'm looking too thin and I shouldn't be eating. But also keep in mind it goes in the comes back up in the mornings, other than that I have it at night. And I'm not too thin, This is like the biggest I have been in a long time.
-Bite size celery, bell peppers, cut green beans, diced tomatoes, xoxo cube. and then kidney beans for the fiber and protein, to fill you up. But put twice as much celery, green beans and bell peppers since they really don't have any calories. :)

April 12th, 2009

I am a whale.
I disgusted myself.
Yesterday I did 1400 calories at the gym. Was there for 3 and a half hours, plus my weight. I don't add in the calories burnt with doing weights. But on the plus side too Ive been eating less. Yesterday I had 2 oranges, 2 bowls of popcorn and 30 calories worth in green beans. Green beans are awesome. They are so good, little calories, and no fat. They fill you up. When you are trying to loose weight its space. You know how when people start having soup before a meal and they tend to loose weight other than the people who didn't start off with the soup? Well the soup takes up space with little amount of calories.

Today my gym was closed. I was really really upset over it, but then I was so sore today so I guess its for the better. So I went to see I love you, man. It was really funny. So today I had a frozen yogurt, no fat, no sugar added. 90 calories. Went shopping, and then walked to save-on foods to get oranges. It's a pretty far walk, it took me an hour and half. Sure I could have went to Safeway, which is right across the street but the oranges are better at save-on and the walking! hehe. I was totally going to try to run, but my knee.. Oh this silly knee, But I don't know. I wouldn't take back being thin for it. I do love to run and it hurts. Oh anyways!! I had an orange and 40 calories in green beans. Well I'm having it right now.. :) So 200 calories. Hopefully I don't have anything more. If I will.. Its only going to be popcorn or an orange, like always.

.

You know how they say its not good to eat and say go on the computer that the same time? Well what! I haven't even finished my green beans yet, causing my stomach to process them, since it takes your stomach 30 minutes to digest. Haha There's always a way to get around things!

Well work tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. I can really feel ow much faster I can get super annoyed when I'm not eating. Good thing Shannon is back soon. Its like I'm more mature than everyone there. Its silly, But then I guess that's how I got my position. And I'm in receiving tomorrow! :) Little break from them but then I shouldn't even be going in that early tomorrow. Oh well suck it up buttercup! Plus its more bank hours for me! :) OK hope you enjoyed my thoughts and ranking!

Sunday, April 5th 2009

Ok. This morning, had an orange, 70 calories but then I had two bowls of popcorn. I sure didn't feel to good after and it got rejected. The orange stayed in though. Then my brother went to work with my dad, it makes me so made how that 18 year old child dose not do anything! Ugh, Doesn't clean, work, help pay for things. Ugh. But when things get rejected, I sure get tired, faintish, and just not to good. I sure have fainted from it happening though. Speaking of fainting, when I weighted my lowest, I was going up to bed and the last two steps I just fell. Luckily, it was forward. My dad found me and started yelling at me. It was sort of a funny situation. That just popped into my head when I said fainting. But I do feel better with less in me and its addicting when it happens. I sure have even ripped me throat. I faint easy though, when I see needles, blood, the thought of just anything like that I can just faint. When I was in high school, Science class sure did not go to well. Haha. My heart races sometimes, and I know its from that.

Anyways! I was looking to be moving to B.C. Ive always wanted to live there. My dream as a child was to have a blue house in the mountains, with a white fence, a garden, and lived off fruit I grew. Well I was there not to long ago for the first time, and there is so many fruit stands!! My plan wouldn't work. Although, I still want to move there and there are other things I can do. So I'm going to keep on saving and keep on looking out for work. I would be so happy.

I sure did go to the gym today! I just need to go everyday for at least two hours or I feel very angry the next day and I need to burn my calories. So I did 20 minutes on this fun "gilding machine" Its pretty much just like skiing. 306 calories on there. Then I did my weights for 30 minutes. Then I went on the elliptical for 45 minutes burning 804 calories. Then I went on the treadmill and burnt another 200 calories. That was just nothing though. I totally was reading while doing my inclidedness on there. I was reading about toning up and the boot camp workout in this.. I think it was Self magazine. Anyways! They said to loose 2 pounds a week you should burn 500 calories, 1 pound a week, 250 calories. See how much Ive messed my body up! Anything I eat just clings on me, since it thinks its starving. I did gain weight when I went to B.C because I was with the most loveliest boy ever! I totally have a crush on him. He's so sweet, and isn't fake what so ever. Likes pretty much what I like, and I had to eat with him. I ate things with him that I haven't eaten for almost 4 years. Was it worth it? Not the food I ate, I didn't enjoy it that much! I would have probably not even had it, but being with him and sharing that.. It was! <3 We will save him for another time.

So I went to Safeway after the gym, was going to do the chicken thing, or even a stir-fry. But I just cant come to do it. I will even make food for myself intending to even eat it, but I will just throw it out. So what did I have for my dinner?! Green beans! I love green beans. No carbs, no fat, no sugar, and it doesn't even have any 'natural sugar' since its a vegetable. Calories intake for it.. 10 calories for half a cup! By the time you drain the juice it is like a half. So I make two cans. So 30 calories the most! Then I put garlic and my no calorie spray butter on it. Just going to do some cleaning later on tonight, so I will be burning some more calories, and if I do intake anything else, it will be popcorn or an orange.

Saturday, April 4th 2009

Threw out the night had two nightmares again. Lovely, Worst sleep ever.

Woke up later than I usually do on a Saturday. Raced to get ready so I wouldn't miss the movie.
The frozen yogurt machine was working, I was thrilled. Now all I hoped was they had the non-fat, no sugar added kind, 90 calories. Last time they sure didn't have it. I had to get the Non-fat frozen yogurt, 110 calories. I was honestly considering if I really needed it that day but it was 8:00pm and still didn't intake anything, and I don't have it too often.

The movie was depressing, I haven't seen a happy, good movie for 2 months now. They were having arm wrestling competitions at the mall today, I needed to go see it, it was already 3:30pm. The gym closed at 6. I'm usually there at last by 2:30-6 on Saturdays. I was getting upset since I wouldn't be able to burn off my calories. I did though walked around the mall and in took only 90 calories so far. I'm so glad I didn't get that second one I was thinking of getting, then it would have been 180 calories with no fat, or sugar though. But then when I intake that much I think about what I could have eaten. Like a sandwich but then there would have been the fat and the carbs.

I made it at the gym. My brace was not working too well, I was going to just rip it off, but my knee has been hurting so much. Ok. 30 minutes, I need to be at 420 calories. I failed. 400 I was only at. The hour was up for it and I was only at 950 calories. I need to break 1000 one day. Rest. Keep on going. 150 more. 1100 calories. Failed. I need to burn 1200 plus weight. Did some abs and did some arms. The whole time I was on my cardio I was thinking what to eat. I need to put calories in to strengthen it and not have my body take my calories from somewhere else. Not like that's what happened to my knee..

Going to save-on-foods. What am I going to have for dinner. I should maybe have at least 400 calories. With protein and little helping of carbs. Not alot of fat. A sandwich. Escargo. Lean cuisine. Make some chicken with veggies. Nope. Got my 70 calorie an orange(s) and I have popcorn at home.

I had good intentions. I don't even feel good about in taking that. Oranges have natural sugar, and if I had two I could have had something else for 150 calories, that could be like a breast and a half of chicken, with protein in it but then the fat, and it just feels like alot. Then the popcorn. Air popped, and nothing on it, high in fiber, low in calories, but then there's the carbs and no protein. But I feel I can intake it and not gain any weight. I can't intake alot. Or it gets rejected, and not on purpose.

Watched 7 pounds this evening. It was also depressing. Enchanted for sure tomorrow. My mom hasn't taken her pills for a while, and I have to take over at work for the next two weeks, opening and closing. Its not going to be enjoyable, oh and on top of that, I have to train. At least I wont really have time to eat anything. I feel so disgusting. I want no fat on me. I don't understand how some people can just not care about working out and everything they eat. I don't intake drinks that have calories in them. And I even watch what gum I chew. No sugar added and it has to be 3 calories.

Yes. Summer is going to be here soon and I'm a whale. I seen some cute skirts in the mall today. I wanted it. But I couldn't wear it with my legs. Not like this. I feel like I in took alot today, I could have done better. Tomorrow I need to go to the gym for much longer but have alot to do also.. I shouldn't have went to that movie. Oh well, I know for next time. And I cant reject my food right now since I'm the only one at work that can do what needs to be done, so just in case I get sick again. Well its late and I wont be in taking anything else..like I need it, wouldn't need it for about at least 3 days I'm thinking.

Tomorrow the goal is weights for an hour, intake 200 calories and burn 1250-1300. At the gym. Doing work at home doesn't count. Good evening!