Ok. I'm really having some mixed feelings here about the weight gain, food intake. I worked so hard to get to where I am, well was, Since I gained weight. Eating doesn't make me happy what so ever. I feel really bad. But then my boy I enjoy, told me he was so happy that I was eating. And it makes me happy since hes happy, and I want to also show him that I can do it, and when I do move down there I want to eat with him and not gain weight or alot of it. But like this is what I see close to perfection, and if I'm happy with it? Ugh I'm just so confused! I think its so gross having this extra... I'm reading this book right now "Dairy of an exercise addict" it;s so good. I can relate to her so much. Like with the eating, how you start and you feel like you cant stop, and how you get all these feelings. How she thinks she looks better being thin, and how people don't think she does. I think some people can just not be food people. Its not like I want to live a long live. I would really be happy parting at 30. I have a fear of getting old, I have alot of fears. Getting old, getting fat, not having a purpose, not having an effect in someone live as in love.
I just wish I could get anything and not gain weight. I could do that, eat and just throw it up, but then I get sick. I just don't know what to do.