I miss him so much. Its really strange not having him here.

The boy confused me. I thought he liked me and wanted more. I was wrong. He wants like nothing to do with me. I feel really stupid since I liked him alot. Its my own fault.

My Reeky Roo died. He was like the best thing ever. He was there for me when I was having my hard time. I'm really concerned about my mom. When she would try to kill herself, she would say it wouldn't do it because of Roo. I need to be there for her. But think how hard its going to be when one of my family dies. He was one of my family though. He was so important. He was old though, at least it was like natural. I just feel sick to my stomach. I want to take her out for lunch, since she likes it. I don't want to eat though. Yeah that's it for now gang.

I'm really upset about my dog. I don't like to be attached to things. Its all part of life, I know, but if you can avoid pain?

I spoke to Peter about the Prozac, He is the lovely pharmacist. He told me to lower my dosage, and if that doesn't work, defiantly try something else. I don't want to go back and see the U of A women. If done pretty good with my eating.

I love summer time, I wish it was summer all the time! I love how the sky is blue and the grass is green, I like to go by the lake because its like perfect. With the colours, the pelicans! Hahah I get excited when I see them! I don't like birds at all but they are far away and really cool! I really want to see a swan. AND A RACCOON!!! hahaha oh my. Today I took my Prozac before work right, I take it in the morning and at lunch. I yelled at my mom to stop the car because I thought I seen a raccoon! It was a cat! I'm sooo funny sometimes. Hahahaha. I really want some sex. Really really want it.

I push people away. I don't really do it on purpose. I need to stop doing it. I think that's why Kelowna just appeals to me so much. No one will know me there and I will just be alone. I prefer being alone and doing things myself but I really know like everyone here. I'm not a good liar so when I attempt to say I'm busy or I have something else, they know when I'm lying. Even when I say I already ate people just smile and don't really want to say anything, few have said something or I will just give in.

Me and my ex would go and eat like all the time. I hated it. I just got to the point of throwing it up after. He didn't like it. Since you can tell when this one throws up! My eyes get blood shot and really really weak, I pretty much need to sleep right after I do it. We would go for late dinners.


Like moving away from the family, its good but bad on the part of me being alone. Like they are getting old. I know this sounds so bad. But soon they will die, most likely Mom sooner than Dad. Since she has like everything you can possibly think of! But then I wouldn't be as upset. That's really bad of me. Even to think it.

My dog is dying. He keeps throwing up, cant move. I think we have to put him down. I don't even not even remember not having him.. Its going to be really hard. And gosh.

My feet hurt sooo bad! I pulled that tenant. Greg told me more information about history about it. Hes lovely. I will miss him when I move. I think I will miss him more than my dad. That's pretty sad and weird at the same time hey?

I feel bad for not running. I have mixed feelings about it, its good that I don't want to hurt me more, but I need to get cardio in. My calories out.

Wipe out, the T.V show I had to run off to last night... Soooo funny!! haha It was a hoot! I need to watch it next time its on! I'm not one for T.V but that's just awesome.

I need to get my Transcript and send it to the school. I also need to get a second job, I'm worried I wont have enough money. I just feel the pressure right now but its because I want to do it.

Rusty, Calories, Weight, School, Money. Its all what I'm like thinking about right now. Not in that order though. I don't know.

Ok blog. Its going to be a long one.... I hurt my ankle. I didnt go for my run yesterday. I went today. I was impressed. It look me a while, since the foot was hurting. I just love to run. This guy asked me while I was running why I was running, the first thing that came to my head that I held back from sayiung was ' because Im a fat whale' or a pig could of worked too, but instead it was 'I love to run" which I really do though, and being outside :) <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">uncontrolable just, emotion. A way to put it is super outgoing maybe? I dont enjoy it too much. But I am really funny.

So I need to really save money for when I move. So I need to get another job. Unforfantly, the Mexicans have moved here. So there isnt any jobs, P said I should totally get a job at a bar, I would make alot of money. I don't really see what is attractive about me. Like just comments people make, I would say I'm like a five on a scale of one to ten. Maybe a 5.5.

I keep thinking of this part in my book that when she left so beautiful in this blue dress with long blond hair. I totally know that feeling, where its like your clothes are falling off, and you can see your hip bone. I'm not that skinny anymore. Trust me. Ive gained weight, Darn bread. Today I had two apples for breakfast, then I walked over to Booster Juice for a chicken pani, I was really debating to get a Booster Juice.. I LOVE BOOSTER JUICE. So much. But its like at least 400 calories. So I got the pani and a shot of wheat grass. Its so good although, there wasn't any nutruial information for it. Like the Matcha stuff, has sooo many fat and calories. But its good for it. Its like almonds. Hehe. I totally asked for no cheese on my pani but they came pre-made. I like stopped and stared at her thinking if I should even eat it. I don't like cheese. And its really not at good for you. Cheese and chocolate isn't my thing at all. Now give me candy.. oh man. Anyways! Then I had celery, and for dinner, Mushrooms and apples. I know I know I know, Its not that much and itsnt the best for me, I really have a hard time eating, It helps to eat with others however, I feel bad, and I prefer to eat alone.

I need to do something meaningful with my life. One day I would like to start a charity or organization for something. I totally DO NOT want children, so lets not even think of that for meaning. I always read the church sign right, and they will not change this one its been there for months and I just hate it!! "Purpose of life, is life of purpose" something like that and I don't have a purpose. My parents want me to watch a show right now. I will probably write more later. Thanks for reading.

So Ive been super sad lately. Well no that's sort of a lie, Ive been really up and down lately. I will be sooo happy then I'm like... well how I am right now. I think its because I'm gaining weight. Its really disgusting. I'm not really happy with anything in my life either. I was thinking about what makes people happy. Does anything really make one really happy? Or is it just pretend.

Ive been in receiving these past two days. I love Greg. He told me stop being so hard on myself because I he was leaving and I was like can I get this all done, or should I be able to? He told me if I didn't don't worry about it. I just told him if I'm going to do something I need to do it right, and good. He told me he wouldn't be upset if there's stuff left over. Jokingly.. But I told him I would be disappointed in myself. He told me I expect to much from myself. I'm still pondering about that.


The sort of things people have told me lately Ive really been thinking about. My brother, that boy, Greg, Dem, Pandher, Brandon. I want to be happy. There's so many things I would do over again. You cant just live on regret or live in the past, but I think my life would be so much different. I need to start changing things. This is a really depressing one. Sorry. There's just no point.

Today wasn't too good. But its over now.

I just cant seem to finish my book, Saturday was supposed to be my day where I was going to sit out in the sun and read my book. But it didn't roll out that way. I'm getting to the point where shes going to get fixed. I think that's why I'm just having a hard time with it.

So 9 miles on Saturday and 14 yesterday. I'm pretty happy with it, But now when I run I'm always going to want to do the 14. I'm sick that way.

I'm sooo excited to move. Ugh, I started packing. Ha ha well.. tried. I have a lot of stuff that I really don't need. So when I was 'packing it' I just was like, I sure don't need all this, it would take up alot of room, so I spoke with my mom about it and she said I can leave whatever I want here, I'm hopes that I will just move back. I want to prove to everyone I can do this, everyone will think I will fail.

I keep on eating bread. I really want to stop it. Its just like clinging onto me and Ive gained
weight, Everyone thinks I look so much better. Ugh. I don't know.



Yes I'm just an asshole with that boy, I really really feel bad. I wish I could re-do it all. I got him so upset. I really hated it. He says he isn't mad or upset or anything, I'm pretty happy about it but really embarrassed and I'm upset that I acted like that. But you do live and learn right? I think I share too much with him though. He doesn't want to share things with me. So yeah. You know where I'm getting at. Haha. I don't know I'm just going to do my school and go with the flow. I totally don't use roll now since he said he didn't like it haha BUT ITS SOO FUNNY!! I'm pretty funny. Oh yes tons of fun. I totally took Prozac not long ago. I don't know if I should or can stop it. Oh dear.

I'm going to stop taking the Prozac. Its not helping. And it just makes me really weird, its like I cant control myself.. and with my sleeping.. haha yea we don't even do that anymore. So its just the right thing to do. I'm just an asshole. ugh. Get people upset and just mess everything.

I found a better course to take, Office Assistant certificate. Its September to January. From there you can take other cour es or just get a pretty decent job, like for my thinking at least.

14 miles yesterday, I'm amazing, then 9 on Saturday. I love to run! Its just the best escape ever. Also, its been just really nice out, I love it, I need the sun. Yeah I dont know that's really it. Sorry.

Alright. I'm going to move to Kelowna. It's going to be perfect.
1. I can get better there.
2. I can be on my own.
3. It will help out my whole family.
4. I need the sun, winter is a very hard time for me, and its mostly nice there all the time.
5. Its like the most perfect place in the world.
6. I need a change in my life.
7. I need to experience things in my life.
8. I Can just be healthy there.

I wanted ten things! Hahaha But I cant think of other ones right now.

I'm so fat. I'm just this whale. Ive had bread, apples, popcorn, green beans, and watermelon. I'm gaining weight from the watermelon. Oh! I also had this thing from green giant; 60 calories, 1.5 fat. I was totally eating it yesterday and I crunched on something so I just thought it was salt. But then it really was hurting. I think it was plastic or glass. So I threw it out. It was really good though.

So I went to the gym today, did 900 calories and my abs, legs and bum. Then I walked home, which on my watch said it was like only 100 calories, then I just went for a run. Which my watch also said it was 200. I was also crazy at work today, doing picking orders.

When I went for my run, I was like going to faint. I think. Or just felt highish? Yeah it wasn't to lovely. I did slow it down but imagine just fainting! Then if I would hit my head on something. Ugh it wouldn't be good.

Ive been taking two Prozacs. I really really like them, they make me feel really good. I think I will always have this obsession with food. I really would love to be a personal trainer. It would be awesome, I might look more into it!

Ok. I'm really having some mixed feelings here about the weight gain, food intake. I worked so hard to get to where I am, well was, Since I gained weight. Eating doesn't make me happy what so ever. I feel really bad. But then my boy I enjoy, told me he was so happy that I was eating. And it makes me happy since hes happy, and I want to also show him that I can do it, and when I do move down there I want to eat with him and not gain weight or alot of it. But like this is what I see close to perfection, and if I'm happy with it? Ugh I'm just so confused! I think its so gross having this extra... I'm reading this book right now "Dairy of an exercise addict" it;s so good. I can relate to her so much. Like with the eating, how you start and you feel like you cant stop, and how you get all these feelings. How she thinks she looks better being thin, and how people don't think she does. I think some people can just not be food people. Its not like I want to live a long live. I would really be happy parting at 30. I have a fear of getting old, I have alot of fears. Getting old, getting fat, not having a purpose, not having an effect in someone live as in love.
I just wish I could get anything and not gain weight. I could do that, eat and just throw it up, but then I get sick. I just don't know what to do.

I went for a run today, Ten minutes off my time from last time. This obesity thing for children was on the TV it made me so uncomfortable I just needed to get it. My dad stresses me out. Then I went to the gym at 5:30-8. I did ten thousand calories there. Plus weights. It was crazy.

It snowed today and I hate being cold! I want it to go away! But there's going to be more.

The heart is the place where we live our passions. It is frail and easily broken, but wonderfully resilient. There is no point in trying to deceive the heart. It depends upon our honesty for its survival. - Leo Buscaglia (Born For Love)



That really made me think, and it is true, so I will try not to be all into the getting hurt when liking someone thing. He's just really amazing.

I went and seen my Angels and Demons with my ex lover! Hahah Ex lover. I totally have no feelings for him, He is seeing someone and it's like good! I just think its pretty weird that I don't have feelings for him on the account that I was dating him for 4 years. It's good though, because he can just be a good friend knowing everything Ive been going threw and such.

I went got another run outside, I usually just do my cardio at the gym. Since my knee is all messed up. But its been pretty good from the running outside, I run for an hour and forty-five minutes. I only slow down for a power walk twice. Its good though because the run that I'm doing in June here, for cancer. I'm excited to be doing that. I love my watch, and how much calories I did! :)

Food for today was:
Baked apples with cinnamon.
An orange.
Air popcorn.
Then some more baked apples.

It doesn't look like a lot now.. but while in taking it, it sure does.
Its really see how its just all I think about, and it doesn't matter!! But it does so much. The silly thing too every time I see a dietitian, they are like over weight.. Why would you take advice from someone over weight? But in all seriousness. I would rather die than to gain weight. I would rather die early than gain weight. It matters in this world with looks but then with people you are close with it doesn't matter. Its just all messed up in here!! :(

My Prozac does make me sleepy! Haha So for now on, I'm only take it at night! Its only made me happier though. Well I shouldn't say that, Its a really really good thing, Since I had like an 'intervention' at work a few days ago about how I have changed and how they think I need help with my eating. I don't talk about it with people but I guess from me looking 'too thin' So I think the mood thing will maybe help them out better. I really cant eat meals, or high calorie good, Even 50 is like oh dear. But I think once I move away it will be better. It will be better for everyone.

So the Prozac is amazing. I think I'm addicted to them, I think I just get easily addicted to things, and those just make me feel good. I took one in the morning yesterday, although, I threw up in the morning and the whole day I was deadly tired. I felt like going upstairs at work and just going to sleep. I took one a little while ago and I'm not feeling the tiredness like yesterday, I always have like this tiredness. So for any of you that are taking it, keep in mind don't throw up in the morning. I threw up at night and had one the other day and I had like the best sleep ever. It was a lovely dream too. But like I don't think I can actually ever eat normal again, I just cant. I have gained some weight from eating the bread. I love bread. Once I start its so hard to stop. Ugh, I'm just not buying it anymore.

I'm having some mixed feelings about the boy. I don't know if I want to feel that way for someone. Like getting hurt is the worst feeling ever. And I don't know if I want to put myself in that position again. I know I will just get hurt and he can do so much better than I anyways. Its really just a hard thing.

I'm not the smartest, I'm not the prettiest, so as long as I'm thin it feels like I have something.

Star trek was amazing. And I'm going to see Angels and Demons tonight! Ive been waiting for this movie forever!! I'm so excited!!! I wanted to see it yesterday but it wouldn't have worked for everyone.

So I went to my Kelowna again and seen that lovely boy! :)
I was so happy over there. I had such a blast! It was just amazing and it was so pretty and I just need to move there. <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Kelowna... Its sort of really super messed up.

Ive been sooo tired lately. Haven't been going to the gym!!! I'm not feeling too good about that. I need the gym. I just don't know how to get energy. I know what your thinking eat more, since you know calories= energy. But even when I do consume decent amounts of food it doesn't do anything for me. So then its like why even intake them and have the extra intake of calories that I cant burn leading to weight gain? But I am going to cut down the gym, or even working out. My gym is $75.00 a month and I could save that for my schooling and moving away.

I think that's like everything I have. I'm really not that exciting what so ever.