Ok. I'm getting back to normal! I know, its amazing.
I'm not going out as much anymore and not eating so much. So its all good.

So I seen some eating disorder videos, well the commercials right.. And they don't look too different to me than the people in my magazines. Like oxygen, women's health and such.

Ive tried to avoid mirrors more than usually lately, but when I seen how big I got, I don't want to look in another until I'm back to normal again. Ugh I was so skinny. It was perfection, almost. I would totally do anything to get that back.

There's alot of stress about everything at this moment. It's helping me not eat though. Also with that the Prozac. Amazing.

Yes, I think I'm supposed to just live life alone. Its ok though. Its better that way. I think some people are just supposed to be alone.

Money Money Money.

Its all what life and everything we do is about. Its really disappointing and depressing. I knew how people were, but then you meet a few people that you think are really different, but that are no. You get snapped back into reality

Each day gets harder, full of stress and I just don't know people can be happy

oh well

<3manda

First of all, I'm a whale. Ugh. I'm so much better when I'm skinny. I feel better about myself, and look so much better. Its beyond disgusting. So I'm going to do everything that I can to make it happen asap. Oh good thing that honestly does work, vinegar. I have shots threw out the day and it suppresses your appetite and can eat away at your food, causing you to be thin! Is it healthy? Haha is there anything I do healthy?

I just feel so lost. Out of place. If I did 'leave' the only person it would greatly effect is my mom, and I love her so much. Although, people do get over people. I like per fer to be alone, this is going to sound depressing.. But like, no one can hurt me when I'm by myself. They cant get sick of me, want to change me, dislike anything about me, and cheat on me. No one can be satisfied forever. There's always going to be better or just 'need a change' also, its just all what I know. Dad cheats, every guy that Jodi and myself has cheated.

I would like to just get a job that I love, work out, watch movies and sleep. Not really a life though hey? I should feel lucky to have things I have and just everything! I would trade it for someone though, like a child in the hospital dying, I would like them I live their live and enjoy it and rather have me there.

It would be nice to enjoy myself, eat anything and not worry about it, or as much. Feel good about myself, like think I'm attractive. Just to let loose and he happy. I would like for someone to think I'm perfect just the way I am and just see me the same always. That's my dream world, its never going to happen.

I'm just really confused of what to do, and just what I'm doing. Oh yeah, I also have to lend mom and dad money, quite a bit, I gave them $1000 before, I wont get it back. I gave my two weeks on top of it, I'm just like mess.

Ok blog. Today wasn't too good. I took too much medicine today. It wasn't too much fun, I don't remember the morning, I just slept the afternoon. It was worse than fainting, this feeling. My chest hurt. I don't really remember my morning. I came home at lunch and I just kept on throwing up. I stayed home in the afternoon, everything was like surreal. I thought I was just going to pass out and every single step I took it felt like I was going to vomit. Shaking like crazy, having twitches. My head extremely hurts! I need to see the good doctor, Dr. Algu. Hes really good.
It hurt so bad when I was vomiting, since I didn't have anything in my stomach. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just feel so stressed. That's when I really take them.

I asked Devin if I could come out there again. I feel bad asking. I think maybe I shouldn't have. If someone asked it would be hard to say no... I really want to see him again though.

I feel really alone.

When I would read books and when people said "It wouldn't matter how many people are around you still feel alone" I never understood that but now I do.

Ive been wildly crazy running. This weekend I ran 2.5 hours Friday, 2 hours Saturday and today another 2.5. I know I'm amazing. Want more good news? Ohhhh I know you do! The lovely wonderful watch Devin got me use to do up on the 3rd notch and now I'm at the 2nd! But that's just wrists, haven't been losing anymore weight anywhere else. He makes me very happy. I just totally smile every time I talk to him. That's never happened before. He is also really easy to talk to, comfortable and comforting. Anyways not to bore you with that!

Damage for today

-popcorn.
-Green Beans
-Special k

Not tooo bad! Would you believe me if I told you I was really sore! I want to take tomorrow off from it but I cant. Well unless I have plans, but then even when I don't, I feel bad! I want to see Bruno soooo badly, Perhaps I will roll there tomorrow and see it! I'm so sleepy, I hope my blanket is dry, Ugggh I totally love things coming straight from the dryer!! Its like one
of my favorite feeling and smell! Hehe alrighty thanks so much for reading.

Hey blog. Its not a very lovely day. I feel really sad. I'm lonely and miss my Roo. Its tempting to take all my Prozac. Very tempting. Ive been so tired lately. I'm not sure why. I want to be happy. I really really do. I think I do need to take all my Prozac to perk me up. If it didn't, I wouldn't be any worse than what I am right now.

I need to run. Ive gained soo much weight.
I ran yesterday for 2 hours and 8 minutes. I should be doing more. I could do more.

I know I sound crazy. I would change it if I could.

I love you and miss you Russy baby <3