Ok. I'm getting back to normal! I know, its amazing.
I'm not going out as much anymore and not eating so much. So its all good.

So I seen some eating disorder videos, well the commercials right.. And they don't look too different to me than the people in my magazines. Like oxygen, women's health and such.

Ive tried to avoid mirrors more than usually lately, but when I seen how big I got, I don't want to look in another until I'm back to normal again. Ugh I was so skinny. It was perfection, almost. I would totally do anything to get that back.

There's alot of stress about everything at this moment. It's helping me not eat though. Also with that the Prozac. Amazing.

Yes, I think I'm supposed to just live life alone. Its ok though. Its better that way. I think some people are just supposed to be alone.

Money Money Money.

Its all what life and everything we do is about. Its really disappointing and depressing. I knew how people were, but then you meet a few people that you think are really different, but that are no. You get snapped back into reality

Each day gets harder, full of stress and I just don't know people can be happy

oh well

<3manda

First of all, I'm a whale. Ugh. I'm so much better when I'm skinny. I feel better about myself, and look so much better. Its beyond disgusting. So I'm going to do everything that I can to make it happen asap. Oh good thing that honestly does work, vinegar. I have shots threw out the day and it suppresses your appetite and can eat away at your food, causing you to be thin! Is it healthy? Haha is there anything I do healthy?

I just feel so lost. Out of place. If I did 'leave' the only person it would greatly effect is my mom, and I love her so much. Although, people do get over people. I like per fer to be alone, this is going to sound depressing.. But like, no one can hurt me when I'm by myself. They cant get sick of me, want to change me, dislike anything about me, and cheat on me. No one can be satisfied forever. There's always going to be better or just 'need a change' also, its just all what I know. Dad cheats, every guy that Jodi and myself has cheated.

I would like to just get a job that I love, work out, watch movies and sleep. Not really a life though hey? I should feel lucky to have things I have and just everything! I would trade it for someone though, like a child in the hospital dying, I would like them I live their live and enjoy it and rather have me there.

It would be nice to enjoy myself, eat anything and not worry about it, or as much. Feel good about myself, like think I'm attractive. Just to let loose and he happy. I would like for someone to think I'm perfect just the way I am and just see me the same always. That's my dream world, its never going to happen.

I'm just really confused of what to do, and just what I'm doing. Oh yeah, I also have to lend mom and dad money, quite a bit, I gave them $1000 before, I wont get it back. I gave my two weeks on top of it, I'm just like mess.

Ok blog. Today wasn't too good. I took too much medicine today. It wasn't too much fun, I don't remember the morning, I just slept the afternoon. It was worse than fainting, this feeling. My chest hurt. I don't really remember my morning. I came home at lunch and I just kept on throwing up. I stayed home in the afternoon, everything was like surreal. I thought I was just going to pass out and every single step I took it felt like I was going to vomit. Shaking like crazy, having twitches. My head extremely hurts! I need to see the good doctor, Dr. Algu. Hes really good.
It hurt so bad when I was vomiting, since I didn't have anything in my stomach. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just feel so stressed. That's when I really take them.

I asked Devin if I could come out there again. I feel bad asking. I think maybe I shouldn't have. If someone asked it would be hard to say no... I really want to see him again though.

I feel really alone.

When I would read books and when people said "It wouldn't matter how many people are around you still feel alone" I never understood that but now I do.

Ive been wildly crazy running. This weekend I ran 2.5 hours Friday, 2 hours Saturday and today another 2.5. I know I'm amazing. Want more good news? Ohhhh I know you do! The lovely wonderful watch Devin got me use to do up on the 3rd notch and now I'm at the 2nd! But that's just wrists, haven't been losing anymore weight anywhere else. He makes me very happy. I just totally smile every time I talk to him. That's never happened before. He is also really easy to talk to, comfortable and comforting. Anyways not to bore you with that!

Damage for today

-popcorn.
-Green Beans
-Special k

Not tooo bad! Would you believe me if I told you I was really sore! I want to take tomorrow off from it but I cant. Well unless I have plans, but then even when I don't, I feel bad! I want to see Bruno soooo badly, Perhaps I will roll there tomorrow and see it! I'm so sleepy, I hope my blanket is dry, Ugggh I totally love things coming straight from the dryer!! Its like one
of my favorite feeling and smell! Hehe alrighty thanks so much for reading.

Hey blog. Its not a very lovely day. I feel really sad. I'm lonely and miss my Roo. Its tempting to take all my Prozac. Very tempting. Ive been so tired lately. I'm not sure why. I want to be happy. I really really do. I think I do need to take all my Prozac to perk me up. If it didn't, I wouldn't be any worse than what I am right now.

I need to run. Ive gained soo much weight.
I ran yesterday for 2 hours and 8 minutes. I should be doing more. I could do more.

I know I sound crazy. I would change it if I could.

I love you and miss you Russy baby <3

I'm so tired. Sorry this will be short.
I ran this morning in the rain... it was way better than what I thought it was going to be!!

Food intake? AMAZING! An orange and I'm just making some air popped corn. I'm just super.

We went to whyte ave today, went to this Korean pizza place. It was really cool! "I 'already ate." The man there is soooo funny! He told me I had big eyes, 4 times the size of his hahaha I really enjoyed that!

I must go to bed, I'm sooooo tired!

I did really good today.
-couple bites of toast.
-Veggie cup from 7 eleven.. you know with the broccoli, celery, but I don't eat the carrots, its full of sugar, and sugar turns into fat and that's what I don't need...
-Special K

:)

That dog bit me again today. I really dislike him now. I don't know why animals reject me!

I didn't do a work out today, I was sore from yesterday, and didn't want to pull that thing in my foot, and I did alot at work today. I beat everyone by 300 lines. I know I'm amazing. Ha ha

Well I don't really have that much else.. Thanks for reading!

I applied or... inquired about a job in Kelowna today. Im really excitied and nervouse, it would be perfect!

I also ran my furthest today!! 19.5 miles. It took me almost 3 hours, but it was amazing, I feel really good about it!

This morning I ate alot.
Popcorn, an orange and special K. Ugh Its sooooo good!
However. We had an accident with that.
Then after my run I had a bowl of soup.

I have a problem with my Prozac... I don't really wan to tell anyone because they will take it away!! I went threw 90 tablets in 9 days. I know. Ugh. But its making me really happy! I don't see what the negative is about it!

Honestly I'm expecting to die from this. I know how sick I was when I was 90 pounds, but it seems worth it to me. Your heart can go too from throwing up and working out too much. Which I totally do both. I know this sounds sick but if I did die from this I think it would be alright. Its my obsession. Something that Ive had for years. I'm scared to get old. I need to love myself and that's how I will love myself is being that small. So I don't really even want help for this. I don't even have a purpose here. I'm just here.

ok! i think I depressed everyone enough, so sorry, Its just really what goes in my head. Thanks so much for reading!

Ok. Woke up. Went got my hair done, It looks totally amazing!!! I'm sooo happy with it. I just have this pimple thing on my forehead that I really dislike, mom says you cant see it but I know you can. And just need to loose like 10-15 pounds and I would be perfect!
Popcorn
2 Oranges
blow of Soup
...and we had special k and had an accident with that. But really when you throw up you loose more weight than not eating. I don't know how or why but yes. Its wild.

I'm feeling more happier again. Ive been talking to Devin again, Ive been crazy busy lately and haven't had much time, and plus I don't ever want to like bother him with texting.. I really hope your not reading this.

He is amazing though. He makes me feel good. Like this is odd. When I was with him I didn't really care about the calories and exercise.. I was still pretty healthy though. Other people make me feel bad. And talking to him again makes me just want to be healthy and not concern more with wight. He is just fantastic. Who ever ends up with him really hit the jack pot there! I don't want to mess him up so I'm hoping its not me and but I am since he just makes me comfortable like with everything. He doesn't judge, he listens, gives awesome advice, hes SO funny to when he opens up. He just makes me smile. Hes like everything a girl wants. I know it sounds too good to be true.. it still feels that way. Haha. Created the perfect male.

I was going to see public enemy tonight but it was all sold out. My brother said it was slow and wasn't that good. We have totally different tastes in well pretty much everything so I'm thinking I will like it.

I also bought vodka today. I was really planning on drinking it. I was even going to open it up right there and then and just had a 'swig' of it! I know its pretty weird to have that feeling. Then also in my head its like for one shot its 100 calories, I could have something else for that much!! I think 100 is alot, I don't dare to eat anything over 120. Ugh if I ever weighed 120.. I don't know what I would do!!

Ohhh they just change my church sign yesterday! It was 'The purpose of life, is a like of purpose" That really upset me since I don't have a purpose!! It just totally depressed me when I seen it. Ive been trying to find one ever since. I will let you know when I find one. The new sign is "From our weakness, we can get strength." How does that translate in my head? Well eating would be mine right? So me not eating I'm showing my strength. Yes? Haha I know. Its funny but then its not.

I had some quality time with my brother today, It was pretty enjoyable. Usually hes just always complaining or yelling. We haven't hung out forever. I'm looking forward to do it again!

Ok well I think I have bored enough people by now. Thanks for reading!

You know you have a problem if you need to go running at like 10:30

Morning-run
Work
Lunch-Soup.. 100 calories
Back to work
Gym
Movie-orange 70 calories
Run.

haha yeah.. I cant help it.

Ohh that movie! SOOO CUTE! I loved it! It makes me happy.

I get my hair done tomorrow, I'm really excited about that. I don't like my imperfections.
I know I worry about things that really shouldn't matter but I don't know how to stop.

I ate over at a friends house the other day, and he told me I like ate too much. Hes being really hard on my about my weight. Like from 90 pounds to 107. That is a lot. I hate it but then I like it. It motivates me. oh and I didn't even take that much at all. I like had not even half my plate full. I feel bad about it. I feel sooo good on my Prozac. They don't want me to take more than 30mg. I take at least 80mg. This sounds so bad but I honestly don't even know how much I take in a day. I just pop them. I have noticed that my heart rate is going down. Getting less obese maybe? Well no I'm concerned but then I'm not, because look at Michael Jackson.. He like totally overdosed. I'm not too worried about it though, If it happens it happens. I would rather be like how I am than totally miserable and extremely over weight. I started running in the mornings too. My mom asked me why I was running then too. I didn't answer but in my head it was like "Because look at me! This is gross! Obese!"

Special k, totally easy to throw up and its sooo good! I wake up early to go for my run, only went for an hour though. Then went straight into the shower and threw up. Its so addicting its like ok just one more dosage of it coming up and its like ok one more! I don't like fainting from it though and it really does make me feel good after. Ugh. Prozac was supposed to help me. But its like increasing this. It doesn't make me hungry and I get happy and have energy. I feel like I can do anything, But it dosent make you high.. Noooo just super duper happy!

I stayed in tonight to watch Confessions of a shopaholic. I didn't know if I wanted to see it or not, but now I really do, I hope its really good. Haha I have high expectation's. I have everything bad, High expectation's, perfectionism.. ugh. ok movie time! I will update after! Thanks for reading

Its been a while! Soo sorry! Ok. Update! I miss my Roo soooooo much its crazy! The knew dog skip, already bit me, and doesn't like me. I still hate being at work. They are just so rude. The weight?... well I'm down to 107. I'm just disgusting. Prozac doesn't make you hungry though. I don't even know how many I take in a day. No hunger, makes me happy, gives me energy. I don't see any down side to it. Well you can over dose, but I'm not too worried. Ive been insanely tired. but Its good, I don't have the energy to eat! But then I cant work out as long. Its all complicated. Yeah, I will totally write more tomorrow though! Thanks for stopping by