Okee. This month I am going to lose like 20 pounds. No matter what.
Have everything I need measuring tapes. The motivation. Just I have to be alone again, I have been socializing alot lately so I have to totally cut that out. Nothing is more important than this. Weight, looks is everything. I cant BE LIKE THIS AGAIN. I know I'm just so emotional and upset right now but I cant handle everything like this again. ugh I need to get thin, I need to see my bones. I'm not living my life like this, Its not worth its. I can not fail. Im totally extremly depressed.

You know your fat when your dad says it. I'm going to need to get back into this all hard again. Today is moms birthday. I really don't want to go to dinner. This is like all whats going threw my mind right now. I don't have energy to work out either though. I don't know what to do, I need me meridia again. Then I think it will be ok, if not I will need a new plan. Like if I need to also throw up I will. Its all better when I'm thin, people like to just stress me out. Its like the whole world is coming down again. I hate this. I really really do.

Oh my gosh. You totally let yourself go fat ass. Thanks to Prozac. Ugh NEVER EVER GO ON THAT AGAIN!!! I'm sooooo depressed. I tried to not look at mirrors and I was just happy eating and having like a really good time. Then when I went off my Prozac it was like oh gosh. What were you thinking. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror.

I did spin class today for the 1st time, it was really fun but mirrors all around you! My fat was giggling, I wanted to cry but it made me go faster. I was in the advance, and I totally kept up. After that I went on the ski glider thingy, did a really hard work out with that and did 600 calories. After that I showered at the gym and the 1st time ever, I threw up in a shower that wasn't at my house. I was totally hoping I would throw up part of my lunch but unfortunately it was only water. I need to see my bones again, I need to be thin. I have to. There is no other.. It just needs to be done.

Just the bad thing is Halloween is near. I'm not going to be able to fit into my costume!! Since you know I just thought I was the way I have been forever. :( I have cried about this intensely. My world is just ending. Jeff wants to see me, but I have to focus on working out. I need to get this disgusting fat off my body. I can feel my roll just siting here. When I look in the mirror naked I can see my fat marks. This is going to sound really really messed up but I want to take a knife and just cut it all off. I know it wouldn't like go away... I know i would be taking a chunk of my body off but its like this need that I want to do.

I know if I keep on obsessing again like how I use to intensely I'm going to loose Jeff. I'm in love with him. He doesn't see the grossness but I sure do, and like how I use to look like, I'm so embarrassed to for him to see that. I'm just like in shock how I did this. Why didn't I stop?
This needs to happen soon. I need to get thin. I need to get perfect. Even at least by the Christmas party. I cant believe he even likes me with all this fat. I don't see how he could. And he is soooo attractive. He can and did get anyone. I know he will leave me if I don't do something. Ugh. Okee I'm extremely tired. I need to sleep

We will all stay skinny if we just don't eat.

He thinks in perfect. I'm far from it. I'm trying to just let it happen but I keep on pushing him away. I need to just relax about please. Take your pills right and try to keep eating but healthy.

I just keep on failing at this. I fail at everything.
I just don't know what the point is of everything.. Like as in for people falling in love? You are just going to get hurt, either cheating, 'falling out of love' or someone of you are going to die. It effects you greatly. Like with Yuri and my Roo, I don't think it was worth this pain. I would have rather not experienced it. I know that isn't right but really, if I keep on the same schedule in good. Work, workout, computer, try not to eat and then sleep. I get so upset when I miss a workout anyways, Its like the only thing that really matters. I wish I could just trade with someone, like a child in the hospital. Where they don't think its fair and they thought about everything they could do with their life. I don't have the self esteem or just satisfaction from myself. I just expect alot.

"'Good enough' may be good enough for other people, but it's never good enough for me."


like to feel anything. Like I I go that from someones blog. It's like totally exactly 120 percent of how I think. I really don't want to be mad, sad, not even like totally happy. I don't want to be happy and not have the happiness again. Ive already had that. Its depressing.

Some days I do go by with not even really remembering my full day. Its like it didn't happen, Its like I'm numb. I like that feeling alot. I try to get that everyday. Its better when I take the Prozac and merida.

I just want to be skinny. Perfect.

No do you know what would be the best thing? Ok I love to help people so if I got skinny, and really skinny and died young from this and it would show other people what happens and not to live their life like it would just be amazingly awesome and wonderful. I just don't like to feel sick, but I would rather be sick and skinny then fat and healthy.

I like to be alone. I per fer it.

Darryl's little sister died. It was shocking. She wasn't wearing her seat belt in the car with 3 others. She was the only one that died. I'm so sad for him. His only sister. Although I like when these sort or things happen... Like isn't the right word but like it just makes you appreciate everyone around alot more, and really puts whats important out there.

I'm still working on this weight. I'm trying to be ok with how ever I am. If I'm a little over, just right or well I will never be as thin.. since that involved throwing up every meal, working out constantly and just barley eating. I need to be ok with how I am. I need to enjoy the food I'm eating. You shouldn't live your life worrying. Enjoy who you are, who your with, and what you have. Like I'm so lucky! I could have no hearing, no sight, no legs, the list goes on. I'm pretty lucky, and I just abuse my body. I need to be with the people who enjoy me and just like me for me, not how I look. The ones who will be there it doesn't matter too. Like the family. If I married someone and got into a fire, would they just leave me since I had mt face like burnt off? Yeaah I know what I need to do but its just hard to follow threw with it, but I need to do this before its too late, before I really start regretting it. I need to be healthy and live my life. No live live around the gym, do the things I want to do. Oh gosh I have a thing on god too, This is only what I think though ok.

Ok everyone needs to do something for someone else or to impress someone. People cant just do things for themselves. We all need to try to impress or show someone something. So. That's where god comes in, they made this god up to be better for themselves but really do it for someone else. Like oh I need to be a good for god, If I live a good live I will go to heaven, everyone needs to get something out of it. I think I explained that good but so sorry if I didn't. What makes me thought of this is my friend Jeff is trying to get clean with his drugs and cut down on his drinking, he said he was going to do it for me so we can hang out more. Well, I told him I don't want you do just do it for me, I want you to do it for yourself as well. I once did stuff for someone and changed who I was for someone else. And it wasn't worth it. But he told me that he didn't care about himself that much to do it, he even told me that it sounded bad, but I think that's why people created such a thing and its so easy to believe. Sorry if I upset anyone with this but this is totally my thoughts. I'm not saying there is, or there isn't a god. Everyone believes in something different. I know I can do things for myself and I do it for me. I'm also there for when people need to me though so don't think I'm just all self centred and such, But like if I don't want to do something because I don't want to such as drink, drugs, anything like that I wont. I'm a strong enough person that I know I'm alright on my own and I don't need to do that to my body. Totally sounds stuck up hey? Haha oh well that's just me though. I don't really care what people think or say, what ever I do I do it for myself or the ones that are very close to me.
Thanks so much for reading, Its never too late to change.

I was in Safeway today doing my usual "oh I'm going to get something healthy, like a stir fry or chicken breast' But just ended up getting popcorn and soup. I seen this couple, the women was bigger, and bigger than the man, she had no make-up and wore not so lovely looking clothes on herself. I'm not saying that I am the most fashionable person ever, always wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt but I also do not wear them tight. The man like had all his attention on her, he look at her when she spoke, smiled, and even would put his hand on her back to guide her threw. How is that possible? For someone to love someone like that? I'm not shallow at all. Ok. I know this sounds totally shallow, but like how could he not cheat with everything else out there. Like he wasn't too looking. I know personalities matter sooo much! Like with guys. I'm only attracted to them when I get to know them. I don't really have the type of dark hair.. built.. etc. But like for a guy to be like that??? I'm amazed, I felt jealous, I envied that women. To just be yourself enjoy your food, and have someone actually just like you for that? I think only a small amount of people find that. I'm like 95 percent sure I'm not going to find it. Since I care too much about my appearance. I wished I did like myself. Like I do have strong believes and personality, I don't give in to peer pressure and I want to be skin and bone for myself. Everyone has told me I looked awful being like that but I want it for me. So I think if your totally 110 percent ok with yourself, you can find someone who could like you. I would like to just smack some sense into me. Its simple but its not. Its everything to me.