He thinks in perfect. I'm far from it. I'm trying to just let it happen but I keep on pushing him away. I need to just relax about please. Take your pills right and try to keep eating but healthy.

I just keep on failing at this. I fail at everything.
I just don't know what the point is of everything.. Like as in for people falling in love? You are just going to get hurt, either cheating, 'falling out of love' or someone of you are going to die. It effects you greatly. Like with Yuri and my Roo, I don't think it was worth this pain. I would have rather not experienced it. I know that isn't right but really, if I keep on the same schedule in good. Work, workout, computer, try not to eat and then sleep. I get so upset when I miss a workout anyways, Its like the only thing that really matters. I wish I could just trade with someone, like a child in the hospital. Where they don't think its fair and they thought about everything they could do with their life. I don't have the self esteem or just satisfaction from myself. I just expect alot.

"'Good enough' may be good enough for other people, but it's never good enough for me."


like to feel anything. Like I I go that from someones blog. It's like totally exactly 120 percent of how I think. I really don't want to be mad, sad, not even like totally happy. I don't want to be happy and not have the happiness again. Ive already had that. Its depressing.

Some days I do go by with not even really remembering my full day. Its like it didn't happen, Its like I'm numb. I like that feeling alot. I try to get that everyday. Its better when I take the Prozac and merida.

I just want to be skinny. Perfect.

No do you know what would be the best thing? Ok I love to help people so if I got skinny, and really skinny and died young from this and it would show other people what happens and not to live their life like it would just be amazingly awesome and wonderful. I just don't like to feel sick, but I would rather be sick and skinny then fat and healthy.

I like to be alone. I per fer it.

Darryl's little sister died. It was shocking. She wasn't wearing her seat belt in the car with 3 others. She was the only one that died. I'm so sad for him. His only sister. Although I like when these sort or things happen... Like isn't the right word but like it just makes you appreciate everyone around alot more, and really puts whats important out there.

I'm still working on this weight. I'm trying to be ok with how ever I am. If I'm a little over, just right or well I will never be as thin.. since that involved throwing up every meal, working out constantly and just barley eating. I need to be ok with how I am. I need to enjoy the food I'm eating. You shouldn't live your life worrying. Enjoy who you are, who your with, and what you have. Like I'm so lucky! I could have no hearing, no sight, no legs, the list goes on. I'm pretty lucky, and I just abuse my body. I need to be with the people who enjoy me and just like me for me, not how I look. The ones who will be there it doesn't matter too. Like the family. If I married someone and got into a fire, would they just leave me since I had mt face like burnt off? Yeaah I know what I need to do but its just hard to follow threw with it, but I need to do this before its too late, before I really start regretting it. I need to be healthy and live my life. No live live around the gym, do the things I want to do. Oh gosh I have a thing on god too, This is only what I think though ok.

Ok everyone needs to do something for someone else or to impress someone. People cant just do things for themselves. We all need to try to impress or show someone something. So. That's where god comes in, they made this god up to be better for themselves but really do it for someone else. Like oh I need to be a good for god, If I live a good live I will go to heaven, everyone needs to get something out of it. I think I explained that good but so sorry if I didn't. What makes me thought of this is my friend Jeff is trying to get clean with his drugs and cut down on his drinking, he said he was going to do it for me so we can hang out more. Well, I told him I don't want you do just do it for me, I want you to do it for yourself as well. I once did stuff for someone and changed who I was for someone else. And it wasn't worth it. But he told me that he didn't care about himself that much to do it, he even told me that it sounded bad, but I think that's why people created such a thing and its so easy to believe. Sorry if I upset anyone with this but this is totally my thoughts. I'm not saying there is, or there isn't a god. Everyone believes in something different. I know I can do things for myself and I do it for me. I'm also there for when people need to me though so don't think I'm just all self centred and such, But like if I don't want to do something because I don't want to such as drink, drugs, anything like that I wont. I'm a strong enough person that I know I'm alright on my own and I don't need to do that to my body. Totally sounds stuck up hey? Haha oh well that's just me though. I don't really care what people think or say, what ever I do I do it for myself or the ones that are very close to me.
Thanks so much for reading, Its never too late to change.

I was in Safeway today doing my usual "oh I'm going to get something healthy, like a stir fry or chicken breast' But just ended up getting popcorn and soup. I seen this couple, the women was bigger, and bigger than the man, she had no make-up and wore not so lovely looking clothes on herself. I'm not saying that I am the most fashionable person ever, always wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt but I also do not wear them tight. The man like had all his attention on her, he look at her when she spoke, smiled, and even would put his hand on her back to guide her threw. How is that possible? For someone to love someone like that? I'm not shallow at all. Ok. I know this sounds totally shallow, but like how could he not cheat with everything else out there. Like he wasn't too looking. I know personalities matter sooo much! Like with guys. I'm only attracted to them when I get to know them. I don't really have the type of dark hair.. built.. etc. But like for a guy to be like that??? I'm amazed, I felt jealous, I envied that women. To just be yourself enjoy your food, and have someone actually just like you for that? I think only a small amount of people find that. I'm like 95 percent sure I'm not going to find it. Since I care too much about my appearance. I wished I did like myself. Like I do have strong believes and personality, I don't give in to peer pressure and I want to be skin and bone for myself. Everyone has told me I looked awful being like that but I want it for me. So I think if your totally 110 percent ok with yourself, you can find someone who could like you. I would like to just smack some sense into me. Its simple but its not. Its everything to me.

I'm trying to really eat good. Like normal. Lunch is the only thing I do everyday for sure. I need to be ok with myself. Just everything is about weight and how I feel about myself, well more like how I would rate myself.. if that makes sense.

Its different everyday. Sometimes I be like ok I'm eating and I'm fine, going to get healthy and other its like I could stay in my room forever and cry. I cut down the Prozacs alot, and are taking the merida. Its not a good combination they said but, they said it would be dangerous having me also throwing up. I'm not too worried. Whatever happens, happens.


Looks are just a bounce. Personality is all what matters. I always try to remember that.
Be the best I can be. Be happy and feel lucky. Help others that have less than I do. Just be a good person and not worry toooo much about the looks.

Best text I think I have ever sent.

She Doesn't matter. You don't need people like that in your life. No one is the same. Everyone rates what they think is 'good' in so many different ways. Everyone makes mistakes and as long as we learn something from it, it builds character. It doesn't matter what you did or what you are. It matters that you are being the person you want to be for yourself.