Well. Someone can't keep up with their blog. Why even have one if you cant keep up. Ugh. Sorry.
Ive been not to good lately. Ive been sleeping soo much its sick. Ive been soo tired. I know what your thinking 'my eating' But it sure isn't. Ive gone like weeks without eating anything. And even doing more exercise. I didn't go to work today. I mentally just cant take it. I don't know whats wrong with those people. I'm just there to work. You know since I'm the supervisor, I have to deal with everything, and I cant do anything right. Its really hard and frustrating. I put my skinny jeans on this morning. It looks like I'm pregnant. Its really disgusting. I even actually feel like I'm going to throw up this very minute. I had some of my homemade soup this morning, and ever since Ive been eating it Ive been throwing it up on the account that I take birth control and just last month I got my period. So that does that mean when you get you period that you haven't gotten for more than a year! Your overweight. Well overweight in my world. To myself. I'm sure other people that are thin get their period. But its like failing to me. I just want to cry, scream, die. Being fat is just the worst feeling in the world. Its like failing, being rejected! I don't understand how some people just don't care!!! Or how people don't think of calories every single time they put something in their mouth! I have to stop throwing up though. My birth control might not work as good, so meaning that I could get my period. I started with coffee. I sure never drank it before because my sense of smell heightens when I don't eat. Caffeine and smoking, those smells can literally not kidding, can make me throw up right then and there. But I'm tyring it since, it can suppress your appetite and it has very few calories in it, well if you make it. When I went to BC, my lovely boy I enjoy loved french vanilla coffee, so I got one too. I sure didn't know the calories in there but I was thinking it was about 150. When I got home I went on caloriecount.com very good site. And its 250 calories. For a drink!!! I would totally eat like a sandwich for that! Lets just think about this. How the world is trying to make you fat. Ok so, you go to Tim Horton's for lunch. You get a coffee and a sandwich. Pretty much anything you get out is going to be 300 calories. Weather its Dairy Queen, Mc Donald's, even Subway. So if your going to eat out it might as well be something that your super going to like rather than getting something a 'little healthier' anyways! I'm so sorry I always go off everywhere. You get a drink, sandwich, then lets say a donut or a date for dessert. Coffee-250 Sandwich-300 Dessert-200. That's a whooping 750 calories right there!! That is like pretty much half of what your normal intake for the day is just going to Tim Horten's for lunch! Never mind the amount of fat, sugar and carbs. Ugh. Its stressful.

Ok so that's just with my food. I also have to really find what I'm going to do with my life. I cant be at Patterson Dental my whole life, sure its good pay, but I'm really really not happy there and I get so tired that I cant even have life outside of it. Plus I just put everything I can into it. I know that's good and bad. Work should be left at work. But really if I'm going to do something, I'm going to try my best at or don't even do it. Failing seems to be a really big thing with me hey? Thank you blog for letting me know that. Haha, Oh dear I'm crazy.

way, Or I get like caring but then I can be over to much caring where its like That's totally why I don't want a relationship. They would leave me because I'm not the best. And don't say no because everyone that I have like ever known has cheated. There's so much more better than me. Everything. Like ok. Lets 1st start with the personality. I have like, well. I'm not the best explainer. But I have like OCD. I need a routine. I need things to be a certainanxiety. No one likes that. Then I'm not the smartest. There for I wont ever have a decent really good job. Ok so the upside of that is men like to make more money than women. But then everything thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Ok. So then drinking. I'm not for it. Its stupid. 1. It kills brain cells. 2. Brings your immune system down. 3. Causes wrinkles. 4. Makes you gain weight on the account there is alot of sugar or if you drink beer, carbs turn into sugar. 4. Both my uncles were killed from drinking. 5. So many people regret things they did while drinking. I think if you cant have a good time without it then yeah, you get what I'm saying. Alright. So there's that, I'm not wild, People try to like hide drinking from me or things they think I wont approve of. You know what though, that sort of makes me feel good that someone would care about what I would think but then not so good that they think they need to hide it from me. Then there's the looks. I'm not the prettiest. The tallest, the thinnest, the cutest. I really have like no good physical features about me. My belly, my legs, you would not imagine what they look like, from all my working out its crazy what I look like and its not fair! I could and have cried over this, I'm not being dramatic but for those who knows the feeling you understand. I need make up. Sure it might look like I wear alot but you know the saying, the person who wears the most, needs it the most. Like the only good quality about me is that I'm ok. Or that when I'm there for someone, I'm completely there.

I know being thin or to the point where I think I look perfect isn't going to fix everything. But at least I would be satisfied with how I look and perhaps then someone could also be too. Weight and looks is everything in this world. I pretty much always has been. No matter how much we w would like for it not to be. Its going to be there. Even If your celebrating your 30th anniversary with your lover. Hes going to be looking at that person 30 years younger than him.

Ohh Here is my soup if your wondering. My dad was telling my mom that I'm looking too thin and I shouldn't be eating. But also keep in mind it goes in the comes back up in the mornings, other than that I have it at night. And I'm not too thin, This is like the biggest I have been in a long time.
-Bite size celery, bell peppers, cut green beans, diced tomatoes, xoxo cube. and then kidney beans for the fiber and protein, to fill you up. But put twice as much celery, green beans and bell peppers since they really don't have any calories. :)

April 12th, 2009

I am a whale.
I disgusted myself.
Yesterday I did 1400 calories at the gym. Was there for 3 and a half hours, plus my weight. I don't add in the calories burnt with doing weights. But on the plus side too Ive been eating less. Yesterday I had 2 oranges, 2 bowls of popcorn and 30 calories worth in green beans. Green beans are awesome. They are so good, little calories, and no fat. They fill you up. When you are trying to loose weight its space. You know how when people start having soup before a meal and they tend to loose weight other than the people who didn't start off with the soup? Well the soup takes up space with little amount of calories.

Today my gym was closed. I was really really upset over it, but then I was so sore today so I guess its for the better. So I went to see I love you, man. It was really funny. So today I had a frozen yogurt, no fat, no sugar added. 90 calories. Went shopping, and then walked to save-on foods to get oranges. It's a pretty far walk, it took me an hour and half. Sure I could have went to Safeway, which is right across the street but the oranges are better at save-on and the walking! hehe. I was totally going to try to run, but my knee.. Oh this silly knee, But I don't know. I wouldn't take back being thin for it. I do love to run and it hurts. Oh anyways!! I had an orange and 40 calories in green beans. Well I'm having it right now.. :) So 200 calories. Hopefully I don't have anything more. If I will.. Its only going to be popcorn or an orange, like always.

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You know how they say its not good to eat and say go on the computer that the same time? Well what! I haven't even finished my green beans yet, causing my stomach to process them, since it takes your stomach 30 minutes to digest. Haha There's always a way to get around things!

Well work tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. I can really feel ow much faster I can get super annoyed when I'm not eating. Good thing Shannon is back soon. Its like I'm more mature than everyone there. Its silly, But then I guess that's how I got my position. And I'm in receiving tomorrow! :) Little break from them but then I shouldn't even be going in that early tomorrow. Oh well suck it up buttercup! Plus its more bank hours for me! :) OK hope you enjoyed my thoughts and ranking!

Sunday, April 5th 2009

Ok. This morning, had an orange, 70 calories but then I had two bowls of popcorn. I sure didn't feel to good after and it got rejected. The orange stayed in though. Then my brother went to work with my dad, it makes me so made how that 18 year old child dose not do anything! Ugh, Doesn't clean, work, help pay for things. Ugh. But when things get rejected, I sure get tired, faintish, and just not to good. I sure have fainted from it happening though. Speaking of fainting, when I weighted my lowest, I was going up to bed and the last two steps I just fell. Luckily, it was forward. My dad found me and started yelling at me. It was sort of a funny situation. That just popped into my head when I said fainting. But I do feel better with less in me and its addicting when it happens. I sure have even ripped me throat. I faint easy though, when I see needles, blood, the thought of just anything like that I can just faint. When I was in high school, Science class sure did not go to well. Haha. My heart races sometimes, and I know its from that.

Anyways! I was looking to be moving to B.C. Ive always wanted to live there. My dream as a child was to have a blue house in the mountains, with a white fence, a garden, and lived off fruit I grew. Well I was there not to long ago for the first time, and there is so many fruit stands!! My plan wouldn't work. Although, I still want to move there and there are other things I can do. So I'm going to keep on saving and keep on looking out for work. I would be so happy.

I sure did go to the gym today! I just need to go everyday for at least two hours or I feel very angry the next day and I need to burn my calories. So I did 20 minutes on this fun "gilding machine" Its pretty much just like skiing. 306 calories on there. Then I did my weights for 30 minutes. Then I went on the elliptical for 45 minutes burning 804 calories. Then I went on the treadmill and burnt another 200 calories. That was just nothing though. I totally was reading while doing my inclidedness on there. I was reading about toning up and the boot camp workout in this.. I think it was Self magazine. Anyways! They said to loose 2 pounds a week you should burn 500 calories, 1 pound a week, 250 calories. See how much Ive messed my body up! Anything I eat just clings on me, since it thinks its starving. I did gain weight when I went to B.C because I was with the most loveliest boy ever! I totally have a crush on him. He's so sweet, and isn't fake what so ever. Likes pretty much what I like, and I had to eat with him. I ate things with him that I haven't eaten for almost 4 years. Was it worth it? Not the food I ate, I didn't enjoy it that much! I would have probably not even had it, but being with him and sharing that.. It was! <3 We will save him for another time.

So I went to Safeway after the gym, was going to do the chicken thing, or even a stir-fry. But I just cant come to do it. I will even make food for myself intending to even eat it, but I will just throw it out. So what did I have for my dinner?! Green beans! I love green beans. No carbs, no fat, no sugar, and it doesn't even have any 'natural sugar' since its a vegetable. Calories intake for it.. 10 calories for half a cup! By the time you drain the juice it is like a half. So I make two cans. So 30 calories the most! Then I put garlic and my no calorie spray butter on it. Just going to do some cleaning later on tonight, so I will be burning some more calories, and if I do intake anything else, it will be popcorn or an orange.

Saturday, April 4th 2009

Threw out the night had two nightmares again. Lovely, Worst sleep ever.

Woke up later than I usually do on a Saturday. Raced to get ready so I wouldn't miss the movie.
The frozen yogurt machine was working, I was thrilled. Now all I hoped was they had the non-fat, no sugar added kind, 90 calories. Last time they sure didn't have it. I had to get the Non-fat frozen yogurt, 110 calories. I was honestly considering if I really needed it that day but it was 8:00pm and still didn't intake anything, and I don't have it too often.

The movie was depressing, I haven't seen a happy, good movie for 2 months now. They were having arm wrestling competitions at the mall today, I needed to go see it, it was already 3:30pm. The gym closed at 6. I'm usually there at last by 2:30-6 on Saturdays. I was getting upset since I wouldn't be able to burn off my calories. I did though walked around the mall and in took only 90 calories so far. I'm so glad I didn't get that second one I was thinking of getting, then it would have been 180 calories with no fat, or sugar though. But then when I intake that much I think about what I could have eaten. Like a sandwich but then there would have been the fat and the carbs.

I made it at the gym. My brace was not working too well, I was going to just rip it off, but my knee has been hurting so much. Ok. 30 minutes, I need to be at 420 calories. I failed. 400 I was only at. The hour was up for it and I was only at 950 calories. I need to break 1000 one day. Rest. Keep on going. 150 more. 1100 calories. Failed. I need to burn 1200 plus weight. Did some abs and did some arms. The whole time I was on my cardio I was thinking what to eat. I need to put calories in to strengthen it and not have my body take my calories from somewhere else. Not like that's what happened to my knee..

Going to save-on-foods. What am I going to have for dinner. I should maybe have at least 400 calories. With protein and little helping of carbs. Not alot of fat. A sandwich. Escargo. Lean cuisine. Make some chicken with veggies. Nope. Got my 70 calorie an orange(s) and I have popcorn at home.

I had good intentions. I don't even feel good about in taking that. Oranges have natural sugar, and if I had two I could have had something else for 150 calories, that could be like a breast and a half of chicken, with protein in it but then the fat, and it just feels like alot. Then the popcorn. Air popped, and nothing on it, high in fiber, low in calories, but then there's the carbs and no protein. But I feel I can intake it and not gain any weight. I can't intake alot. Or it gets rejected, and not on purpose.

Watched 7 pounds this evening. It was also depressing. Enchanted for sure tomorrow. My mom hasn't taken her pills for a while, and I have to take over at work for the next two weeks, opening and closing. Its not going to be enjoyable, oh and on top of that, I have to train. At least I wont really have time to eat anything. I feel so disgusting. I want no fat on me. I don't understand how some people can just not care about working out and everything they eat. I don't intake drinks that have calories in them. And I even watch what gum I chew. No sugar added and it has to be 3 calories.

Yes. Summer is going to be here soon and I'm a whale. I seen some cute skirts in the mall today. I wanted it. But I couldn't wear it with my legs. Not like this. I feel like I in took alot today, I could have done better. Tomorrow I need to go to the gym for much longer but have alot to do also.. I shouldn't have went to that movie. Oh well, I know for next time. And I cant reject my food right now since I'm the only one at work that can do what needs to be done, so just in case I get sick again. Well its late and I wont be in taking anything else..like I need it, wouldn't need it for about at least 3 days I'm thinking.

Tomorrow the goal is weights for an hour, intake 200 calories and burn 1250-1300. At the gym. Doing work at home doesn't count. Good evening!